Day 68

Same intention... gratitude... and clear visualization of goals and things to come...

it's weird... how I saw myself turning it down... the SC opp... and I didn't feel like I had clear sign from the universe... I felt I couldn't turn it down, so I didn't... but now I'm wondering if the lack of good feeling was the sign... I don't know for sure... I'll keep asking for guidance...

Let's set forth clear and intentions... and good behind-the-scenes processes for our sake and sanity...

Day 65

Gratitude... same intention for tomorrow... i definitely lost sight of it...

same off-balance feeling and graspy-ness, though a little better with the ICP class... something about it feels intriguing... though i'm intimidated and scared i can't commit to it... i'm aware of how much resistance i've created around the most simple things... like writing and photography... to things that have been so close to me, and feel like in my mind, they should be the most natural things in the world... but i fear them, keep them at arm's length, hide from them... avoid them at all costs... it's definitely time to get down w/ the fear...

what's the fear? that i'm no good... poet and potential... potential ceases to be anymore.... but again i think about how u deny yourself the risk of failing, and failing just means you're that much closer to succeeding... the only way to really fail is never to try... think about X for a second... failed the whole time, but you learned so much in the process...

got the offer from SC, owe the mag people an article though i didn't commit... and i'm unsure what to do... a friend kinda talked me out of it, and now i'm lukewarm, despite the fact that I was so SO excited... not sure what to do... definitely ask for guidance on this one....

Day 64

Hm... work has been a bit long... it has me off balance...

kinda impulse bought a new camera... since now with digital, film cameras are considerably cheaper... you can get a camera that started out at $1200 now for like $200...

let's concentrate on being grateful... being thankful for where we are and what we have in this moment... i feel my energy getting graspy and anxious... let's focus our attention on gratitude....

Day 63

Another late day at the office. I'm really thinking would it be possible to not have to work a 9-5... which is funny, cause I told someone at work that thought... and she looks at me and says, but you don't work a 9-5... true. i work a 9 - whatever...

so, i want to meditate and think about laying the groundwork... like how can I make this happen in 6 months or a year...

got class on thursday and haven't shot a thing...

Day 62

Busy day at work... didn' t even leave the office for lunch, just got home about 20 minutes ago... Days like these I wonder how I'm going to commit to the photo project... but I think it's about making it not a chore, but at the same time, not so high up that it becomes impossible to start... i'm hearing a number of things around me lately about making art artless... in other words, approach it the same way you do any number of other tasks with which you are faced... like blogging or washing the dishes... somedays, they're fun or easy... other days, they feel chore-like... art feels like this too... writing feels like this too... and it's okay... this and article snippets has been the only kind of writing i've been doing lately... i want to start a short, but nothing has come to me just yet...

i'm a little disappointed that I didn't do much of my important tasks today... like buy some film, track down this book for the class, etc. but like don Miguel Ruiz says... you did your best... don't beat yourself up for doing your best... you juggled a million and one things today at the office... tomorrow's another opportunity...

what's your intention for this week?

Day 59-60

So, get clear and the universe responds. Wow!

Last night, I go to an after-work thing, and after a couple of drinks with the co-workers, I leave. I get the idea to go an new spot in Brooklyn I had been hearing about with the intention of finding a space of like minds/energy. I decide I'll just be happy to be in the space, even if I don't actually have any social interaction while there. So, I get there, the place is cool and inviting, the owner welcomes me, and I get into a lengthy convo with the one of the guys working there. They close.

And instead of heading home or to the stand-by location, I decide to check out another spot I had never been to. I went in and took a look around, but wasn't sure what to do really. So, as I'm heading out, I lock eyes with this guy. So, we talk for a long time, about art, and projects, etc. He invites me to stay a while, introduces me to his girlfriend and their friends. Another girl starts pushing me to dance with her, and while I'm trying to politely decline, I can't seem to say no to her. She introduces me to another guy. And the night continues on like that. An hour later, I'm dancing with a group of folks I had never met before like we're all old friends. And we're having random conversations about art and music. The guy from the cafe shows up and we hang also. It was great, and random, and I didn't get home 'til 4AM.

It was like here's the tribe. I felt like I was all of sudden part of the community I had been looking for, and best of all, I didn't have to do anything, I didn't have to be anything other than myself. I just showed up and I was welcomed with open arms.

The next morning, I joined the cafe guy for brunch and we shared a few hours of great, intelligent, over-articulate discussion. But somewhere later on, I started to get sad. And as I was walking through the area after revisiting a bunch of these new friends, I think the old insecurities started to rise. Like this "isn't real..." or something... I don't know, but I came home feeling off, and needy somehow... Like that perhaps, both everything and nothing had really changed... and I'm not sure what to do with that...

Perhaps, I find myself looking for security... like not trusting that I can access that at any time, but more like where are the people that will become fixtures... hm...

Day 58

on my way to bed...

today's thoughts... on the social issue... i started trying to build stronger connections with folks i work with... ie. starting with what you have and nurturing that... i realize now that i can't substitute that for what i'm really looking for.... it's like trying to fit a square peg into a circle... won't happen...

i crave a social network of smart, intellectual artsy folks... people not bored by panel discussions or offended by the word feminist.... jeez... ok, so i recognize i'm speaking out of an annoyance of the evening.... but the root is that i crave this community and i'm not sure how to go about finding...

well, feel the feelings of having it now.... ok... i'll journal from that standpoint...

Day 57

i set up a list with to-dos with the attempt at breaking down bigger goals into smaller tasks... but i haven't done heavy lifting yet.... some of the personal career stuff is going to take more thinking... (and some journaling and meditation)... but i did accomplish crossing off a few things off my to-do list that had been on there FOREVER...

got an assignment from the mag people... but i'm ambivalent... i'm considering doing it, just for the exercise... so, i want to take a crack at it tomorrow, at least in terms of notes and ideas... keeping in mind what suzan lori parks said... instead of waiting on the perfect opportunity, let me see that every opportunity is perfect...

had a strange thought during meditation... thinking about the transracial adoption project as a radio doc instead of video... but the thought then morphed into something else which led to this weird feeling of envy... so, can't tell if the original thought or any part of it was the universe speaking to me or what...

also, think i realized a new goal for my list... i don't think i want a 9 to 5 much longer... like so maybe the goal is to make money from multiple streams of income in a relaxed and easy manner, and have the freedom to dictate my own schedule and let each day be organized around different creative projects and goals...

Day 56

Oh, universe! i don't know if am i on the right track... i went to the 2nd interview with StoryCorps and i have to admit i just felt lukewarm... and i couldn't tell if it was because i'm not sure i did ok, or because i'm not sure i want it anymore... like perhaps it's a distraction from the business of making stories--films, writings, etc... i think their is importance in the preservation but if it detracts from the commitment to my own work and my own dreams... So, i don't know what to do... but i have 3 weeks before i have to decide... so, that's good...

talked to a friend of mine today... and he's warned about my distraction, my tendency to get hung up on the big thing so i don't have to complete the small next step that's in front of me... and it's true... so, i think we have to get really concrete about the goals... and set up daily practices and processes to make reaching those goals easy...

goals and inspired actions...

today, i'll map out a quasi-plan and post it by tomorrow...

Day 55

Today, I read the vision journal I began the 100 days with and it had been a while since I had read it. I realize that perhaps, it suffers from lack of concrete things. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I realize that what I want most is to follow the spark--those things that make me excited and filled with that sense of wonder. I feel like StoryCorp opened up this place in me that I had forgotten, that feeling of excitement about a project or something... and i think that's what's missing from the more recent pursuits... that sense...

so, i'm still on the fence, but i think i may take that photo class... i just need something to get me out of my head and out in the world, something to move me from the trying camp to the doing camp...

this morning, i felt so tired... i felt like i had reached this limit with my mediocrity... like it takes so much energy not to try... it takes so much energy to avoid writing... it takes so much energy to stay down here... when you know you should be soaring... so, let's be about the business of soaring... and follow those things that make you feel that way...

Day 54

Rainy day. Captured how I felt perfectly. I slept 'til 2:00 pm. Stayed in my bathroom, howled in my journal, and watched a couple of movies.

I still feel scattered. I still feel all over the place, but alas it's 2 AM and i should lay down so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Day 53

Went to an ICP workshop... eh, ok... and came into the office to work on mastering a new version of the film, except it's been a bit of a comedy of errors, so it's 12:30 AM and i haven't left yet... i'm so ready to go... and since i'm not actually working on company stuff, can't actually take a car home...

but sitting here in this edit room for the last 6 hours, without so much as phone call from outside or even a inkling of someone to call... i feel pretty icky... like no social anchor here at all... and this is where i have trouble creating... i feel like i've improved a great deal at creating concrete things... and i'm seeing that happen... but in terms of the community and relationship, it's been slow going.. so, maybe i need to concentrate on creating small, stepping stone goals on the way to that larger thing... and that goes for both this thing and the career thing... like picking one attainable thing and creating a quasi-road map on how to get there based on inspired action...

i was listening to this teacher on YouTube and he was talking about karmic blocks... maybe i have a karmic block in this area that needs to be cleared... it's like i think i'm working on it, by focusing on the me parts, the confidence things, etc... but i feel like little movement has happened... so, let's work on getting clear... and creating a clear intention...

Day 52

Woohoo! Created a clear intention and the tax man turned my owed amount to the feds into a refund. I still owe a little to the state, but it's paltry compared to what it could have been.

And.... I got a callback from StoryCorps for the next round of interviews. So, I'm super excited. I went to ICP website to decide on this class and discovered they have an annual members' day. Called up and talked to a really nice woman on the phone, who squeezed me into one of the workshops and gave me some advice on classes to take. So, tomorrow, I'll go down there.

I forgot I owe BIFF a master, so I'm wondering if I can author a new version tomorrow after the ICP workshop.

Today, I had a thought on my creative process, but I'm not sure whether it's true yet. I was thinking about how most of my writing (literary) comes from an image, but when I'm blank, it's a problem of sight, like the words are stilled by the lack of images, the perceived lack of the mundane, and the inability to see something with a fresh eye. So, I was thinking maybe the ICP class really is the way to chart back into vision and creativity, but again, nothing's a panacea. And I need to stop expecting things to "fix" me, but look for things to add. Look for and appreciate small interventions, instead of looking of the lightning bolt moment of clarity.

Many thanks for these blessings and all the ones I didn't get a chance to name here.

Day 51

Had the StoryCorps interview today and it was amazing. I left really excited and inspired about the gig and the opportunity. So, I want to continue to really focus on it and continue visualizing it.

Tomorrow is tax day. So, I'm trying to figure out how to set my intention properly for this.

Keep thinking about baby steps and how I need a creative process. I keep thinking about the classes I want to take (which 2 start next week), but I can't seem to decide. Part of me says don't take any of them, you don't need to spend any money to do x, y, or z... but the other part of me says if i don't, then why haven't i managed to do x, y, or z...

well, here's the question? do you want from these classes? what do you want to leave having?
-the beginnings of work, or direction
-a manageable, clear creative process i can continue
-i want to be inspired
-i want to feel passionate about my work
-i want to feel dedicated to my work
-i want to feel authentic in my work
-i want to want to do the work, and not out of fear, or out of shame, but out of sheer desire, and sheer joy...
-i want to enjoy the process again
-i want to feel mentally stimulated and challenged
-i want to have enough direction or sense of something that even when i don't feel like doing the work, something makes me sit down in the chair anyway...


Right now, I feel a lot of guilt cause I'm not working on anything... I want to be working on something, but I just feel blank... and I'm not sure how to begin again... i thought maybe these classes could help, maybe the ICP may give me a structure to lean on, thought liz's class may give me some ways to structure and help me map out a plan, thought the WS class may help me to connect to the work, and give me some tips on deconstructing a work....

hm, i don't know if you need any help connecting to a work... that may be the one thing you're sure on...

Day 50

I'm turning back the clock a few days, so I can get back on the wagon. I'm not ready to be past 50 days in this challenge just yet.

So, wheels turning. I'm all about planting seeds right now. The film will be in the Brooklyn Arts Council film festival, which reminds me I got get a master to them by next week. Got an interview with StoryCorps tomorrow, and I met with the start-up magazine folks earlier this evening.

Been thinking about taking a class, but I haven't been able to figure out what and with Uncle Sam actually saying I owe him money this year, I'm wondering whether I can afford it right now. I'm really intrigued by this class at ICP, but I'm wondering if I should take a more practical class, like a couple of focused writing classes.

I know that one of the things I have to create these days is a serious creative habit, like normal and scheduled writing practices, and assignments. A list will be helpful here.

Over the course of the first 50 days, I've definitely witnessed my ability to create reality, such as getting out jury duty, get a FedEx out (after the employees have refused to let me in the building), etc. I've had a little trouble with some of the bigger things, but I want to continue journaling and working on any blockages, as well as start actively creating little things, like mini-subgoals on the way to the big goal.