Day 97

and Day 5 of the MC.... feel good mostly... though, i think i'm starting to have hunger pangs... just this weird feeling in my stomach that's not painful, but a bit uncomfortable... will gauge how i feel tomorrow...

writing was good yesterday... caught a flow and was carried by... felt like i was with the Muse... today, i started after scanning, which may have been a little too late... i felt really tired and sleepy... so i didn't write as long...

i feel this need to get clear on the vision... like where do i want to go? a couple of years from now, what does my life look like? next year, even... i have this hazy vision... gotta work on clearing the mirror...

Day 95

Crashed a bit... did good on Sunday and most of the day... ending day 3 of the MC as well... went to the street fair, shot a couple rolls of film... by the time i got home, i was irritable... wanted both food and tv... but i wrote for a while... and played around with SoundSlides (cool, but not nearly enough control for me) and looked at shoes...

ok now, not sure what my meltdown was about exactly... i think i felt a bit lost... a little out of sorts on all counts... not sure, if i much more settled now, but will try to meditate on it a bit before going to sleep...

Day 93

The continuation of that for day 92 was really good... i felt good, went out briefly with some co-workers, wandered around at the bookstore and met someone interesting... went to Whole Foods and ran into someone i kinda knew from DC... asked her 'bout making contact to shoot since she's a dancer and i'd love to take photographs of some sistas dancing... she said sure, give me a shout just to hang out even...

Was excited from class, since she gave all these readings and i look forward to digging in... i shot a roll both yesterday and today and started the Master Cleanser... so, i'm on day one of that...

so, i feel good about that idea - giving yourself what you need and leaving space for the universe to reflect that in the day.... the other thing, i'm working on is not running from my own silence... i write a lot about quiet, but not positively, but when i don't have it, i'm miserable... but when i write about, it's always in a lack, kind of lonely way... and so, now, i'm just enjoying my space, my quiet, my own company... again, i won't pretend i don't feel a little nagging in the back of my mind... but it's just a gnat, and your habit of thinking a certain way waving at you...

cleared some space out and will continue to do that over the course of the 3-day weekend... the other thing is really trying to get clear on the next move, but in an easy way... just kind of feeling around... and looking toward whatever makes me feel interested or excited... so, i saw an interesting post of p/t time job for a brand producer... which was kind of interesting, a job for a mediastorm... that would be amazing... they hire multi-media producer... maybe i should reach out for an informational interview, and see what kind of skills that kind of position requires... part of me thinks produce a couple of good pieces... and the photo work can only help with that...

Day 91

Wow! I'm rounding those 100 days quite quickly... and i'm like wait, slow down....:)

so, yesterday was a bit rough... i had a few days of bad feeling around self, current state of being, etc. listening to Michael Neill at work, i decided to try a little self-care... something woke me at 6:45 this morning... so, got kahlil gibran's the prophet and read a little of it in bed... didn't get up and make a big stir... but read a little, meditated a little, prayed a little... visualized.. and then got up and put on something i liked and headed to work... and within a relatively short period, i felt considerably better than the bad feelings i had woken up with (residuals from last night)....

i'm not denying that i feel some nagging feeling toward the ex, or that i still feel some want for community... but when i set my intention for the day, i intended to show myself love, support, and connection... and i'll continue with those for tomorrow... but the thought i had was stop ignoring the support and community that shows up... right now, if that's just a co-worker or two that you feel a connection with and a couple of folks from class that you feel some ways towards... that's something... be grateful for it...

i also heard today someone describe what "namaste" means... and their definition of it was "i honor the space where the universe resides in you... and when i connect that space in myself and you in yourself, we are one...." i thought that was amazing...

so, intentions: love, support, connection.. and honoring the space where the universe resides in me...

Day 89

Still bounce between high and lows... been listening to Michael Neill and been trying to get closer to figuring out the wow... for the last 11 days of the challenge, I want to focus on being that which i want to receive, being grateful for what i have, and spend more time daily visualizing what i want...

Day 87

fell off the wagon a little bit with the TV watching... not completely, but i did watch some at night over the weekend, mainly Entourage, The-Break-Up (which wasn't very good), and the Last Days of Left-Eye (they tricked me, it was on VH1 Soul:) )...

been organizing papers this weekend, still got a ways to go... but i got rid of 4 bags of old paper and crap... still got a couple of bags to shred... and i want to go through that box of magazines and notebooks that i moved with that's still sitting in the kitchen...

next weekend is memorial day weekend... could go to DC or i could paint my bedroom or the bathroom... the office could use a little color, but i don't think i'll paint it... just hang up some wall art, get some curtains, flowers, etc...

tonight, let's take a few minutes to revisit the intentions... i've been thinking a lot lately about clearing the space... trying to figure out what i really want to create in my life sans ego, sans the "everybody", sans trying to BE something for reasons other than i want it in my heart... and it's a little hard... the other thing, which is part of it, is getting rid of my need for approval from other people... starting from the idea, everything you need, you already have... there's nothing that you need to get from external forces... and trying to set clear, daily intentions too...

Day 84

i'm exhausted... all of a sudden... thinking about all the goals... and wondering if all the old HU folks showing up lately is part of my community manifestation...

my intention today... was to accept what is... and i was thinking about that in relation to a recent run-in w/ a friend... to accept what is, be grateful, and keep it moving...

i think one of the things coming up lately is getting away from the need for approval. to just do what i need to do... do the work....

Day 83

i set a really clear intention, however i don't remember what it was... so now it's hard to look at the day in relation to that.... i think it was about feeling like enough, remembering that all the things external are just that... external, everything is a reflection of how you feel about yourself or whatever... so, it was something about attracting money, community, and like-minded members of the opposite sex or something like that... either way, what i did see was men... and i'm not sure if there was more attention or just me being more aware of the attention... hard to say exactly... but kind of this quiet affirmation of my "flyness" even my t-shirt and converse... despite my own desire to dress more feminine...

also, listening to hayhouse radio the last couple of days... thinking about how to flip this desire for a relationship that's come on really strong in the last couple of days... so, back to thinking about real self-care... how to nurture myself so i don't feel i NEED this or that from others... so, Michael Neil has this idea... he said figure out what you want in partner, and then approach a certain number of days from the standpoint of how do i give this or that quality or need to myself... so, not to keep piling other things on this 100 day challenge, but i do want to add self-care as well...

should that be a concern? in the last third of this challenge... i added photography, a TV fast, and a writing practice... but this one goes right along with that as well...

Day 82

Despite all the good things with the film and SC, i've been feeling a bit off... like confidence etc... so, i'm thinking about how to shift that energy, how to galvanize around my goals, and get clearer about that which i want to create...

i have to admit i feel a little ansty writing w/out a project in mind... i don't feel that same way with photography, partly because my shooting time isn't so concentrated... and i think the thinking of shots is just as interesting as what ends up recorded on film...

yesterday, i was having a bunch of film ideas... which kinda scared me... cause film tends to make me tired, i tend not to want to do too much of it... not for any good reason, other than it requires me to leave the house and talk to people... but that should be a good reason... like, hey it requies me to leave the house and talk to people... isn't that great! but it ends up feeling like cold broccoli... you know it's good for you, but it doesn't feel like something you want to eat... but this is all really bullshit... cause when i'm in the process, in the interview, in the edit... i enjoy it... it's just all the setup prior, the asking and the negotiating... but that's w/ anything...

i'll journal now... return w/ some clarity tomorrow....

Day 80

So strange day...

Had my film screened in a local film festival. It was cool! It looked surprisingly good on the big screen and it was nice to hear people's responses while it played... you know, like laughter or utterances of agreement... like hearing people yell out, "me too..." kind of stuff... and when the Q & A came, which was really short, most of the questions were for me... with one person exclaiming how excellent she thought the film was, how it hit close to home, and thank you for making this... word! and after, this woman even came up to me afterward, and she was in tears about the impact SH had on her... and also said good things about the film... so, all in all, very cool, got me thinking about whether to extend the life of the project, perhaps pursue other festivals and that multi-media project i had been toying with...

the rest of the night, well...

been thinking a lot about loneliness, community, and relationships... still thinking about how to actively create on this level...

Day 78

so, in response to the question i posted last time on the blog... i've decided to try to take TV out of the equation for the rest of the month... and so far, so good... i got a lot more done yesterday... i was kind of amazed actually.... i came home, took a shower, cleaned the kitchen & bathroom, while my images were scanning, made my contact sheets, and wrote for an hour, journalled a little, and still made it to bed by 12:30/1:00 AM... which is pretty usual for me... though i'm thinking of going to bed earlier also... and figuring out how to incorporate some exercise activity as well...

so, i think the first weekend w/ out TV maybe a little hard, but let's see what happens... i think it's a worthwhile experiment and a good timing on the last leg of the 100-day challenge...

so, let's get back to envisioning goals, and having gratitude, and off to bed...

Day 76

Yesterday, I turned it down and I felt ok with it... Spent a lot of today thinking about what I want to focus on and how to create a workable system at home. So, that's kind of exciting. Then, I get home, scan images, make dinner, and it's already almost 1 AM. And I've only done 2 out of the 4 things on my list. So, how do I make this work better?

Thoughts:
Clean house, clear out the clutter. Make a decision on painting and if so, paint already. I got too many things hanging in the indecisive pipeline taking up too much space.

So, i need a put-off-no-longer list and start crossing off things on that list. And I especially need a dedicated time to write every day. Part of me say try the mornings, that ways it's first, and little much will be able to throw it off, but I'm SO not a morning person. But at the EOD, it always get squished between all the things I'm supposed to do. Let's pick a time and try that for a few weeks. And just go trial and error until you find a time that works. I found a helpful book about this and will work on putting it into practice.

Another practice is visioning... like continuously writing out the vision every day until it becomes clearer and clear... like shaking a Polaroid...

Day 74

A bit off the wagon... i haven't been meditating, a little journaling... but i think i'm going to do a little of both tonight... the SC thing has me feeling a bit bummed... i came up with an alt plan, but i don't know what's right... am i not manifesting correctly... is it a question of getting really clear about whether i want this or manifesting accordingly...

but i feel like everything happening you created... i created that i would get it, and i created that i would turn it down... it's hard for me to know what's right, here... i think you have to first get really, really clear on if you want this in your heart of hearts...

Day 71

I was journaling on the way home from class... and a lot of familiar thoughts kept coming up. Like I'm very aware that I need to produce more... be willing to take more risks and give myself permission to fail, but I know need to go about it in a different way than I have in the past. Because usually I feel the fear and the anxiety, I choose a direction, and half-way pursue it... the fear turns to apathy and I get side-tracked... and then I feel bad, because I haven't accomplished anything... Let's be frank... my attempts at self-discipline and goal setting haven't been very fruitful... so, i really want to be intentional about setting up a system that works for me...

what would that look like? feel like? provide you with?
it would look and feel freeing... it would feel gentle, like no guilt trips and bad feelings, insecurity, etc... it would feel like purposeful and pleasurable... it would have a sense of certainty about it... and most importantly, it would result in finished work that would bring us closer to the goals... it would provide me with a system i could lean on, something that felt supportive instead of destructive...

Day 70

Let's gear up for the last month... with some sense of boldness... like let's go hard at creating and getting closer to those things on the list... with a sense of patience and sureness that we've lacked in the past...

same intention: gratitude and clarity... setting a clear direction/image for all those things...