Day 3/2

much of the same.... went to the lab to print... should be writing now, but i may do a cursory 10 minutes and go to bed...

i feel like some part of me is caving inward... like the island i move and move through... not even sure how to make it be something other than the island it feels like...

and part of me starts thinking old school shit... like closed mouths don't get fed, but that just creates more scrambling... like oh, i have to make real effort to be something else... but don't i have to be something else, to have this other thing... see... don't feel like that's the right track either...

so, i think i'll read shakti gawain and try to figure out intention...

Day 2/2

still feel like i'm not quite in the intentional vibe.... may watch The Secret tonight... felt kind of off today... like some part of me has slipped down back into scrambling mode... like that whole panting, desperate energy in search of some ego validation.... like oh, if i publish this book, then i'll feel this... or if i had a film in that, then i'd feel this... or if i was writing for that publication,etc... and it's nothing but a trap.... so i feel like let's just worry about filling the well... not trying to be anything, not being concerned with how WE THINK the world sees us...

saw this great opp on WGBH due in two days... and don't know about that.... but no scrambling... i'll put out a simple intention and be open to what comes... if an idea comes, i'll apply with what i got and if not, then not... there will be others....

i feel this urge to put together some great plan... but i fear it's me scrambling again... and i replace that with a sharing energy, a gift mentality... just a simple wish to share... nothing more... i don't need anyone's approval... i don't need anything to think i'm special or great, or smart, or talented... there's nothing i need that i don't already have...

try to live in this place of contentment, instead of always finding fault... and i think that's the dangerous thing... i tend to spend a lot of time finding fault with myself... comparisonitus is one way... shrinking another way... i wonder if exercise will make me more grounded, more able to live in my body....

Day 1

i started the radical self-care by getting up and reading a little Marianne Williamson... before trying to meditate, i drifted off... got up, put on a dress i had been wanting to wear for 3 months and went to work...

got home, worked a little on the website, wrote a little, finished up a roll...

today's intention was about comparisonitus, but not sure i fared too well there... so, just want to spend the next 30 days getting my mojo back, feeling a nice shift in trust & natural confidence within myself, and getting in a good vibration that will help facilitate some change

starting over

i feel like for the 1st 3rd of this challenge (at least, maybe longer) has to be about the radical self-care i've been talkin about... i feel like a few of the areas that need the most attention will be furthered the most by this...

i've been working on my website and spent time in the darkroom, but i haven't been writing... and all it takes is a couple of days of not doing it for the resistance to build up and make it hard to go back...

haven't forgotten liz's advice to me... about starting an online community... but it all seems so scattered... pockets here and there... and have no idea of a driving synthesis that's built upon something less selfish.... and still have no idea how to get in print... and whether to version up with a few more pieces and photographs...

what's self care for tomorrow mean? it means going to bed now! it means sending out The Sun piece this week.... what else?

Day 2 - Season 2

So, I've been dancing a little around these goals... but i have a quasi-list i'll map out here w/ freedom to change...

1. successfully publish my book project
2. create an alternative career scenario to the 9 to 5
3. create a practice of radical self care - eating better, exercise, dressing better, trusting myself, and cultivating a deeper relationship with God
4. write everyday
5. create a community of like-minded folks
6. have a romantic, committed relationship

Day 1 - Season 2

Initially, I wasn't sure about a Season 2, but I didn't want to miss out on creating more healthy habits and pointed reflection... so, here we go...

Still clarifying the goals... will report tomorrow with my list!

Day 101

hm... day 9 of the MC... i feel bad that the end of my wonderful 100 days is being kind of eclipsed by the MC detox... yesterday, i went to the waterfront to shoot... but the festival was kind of disappointing, so i left... didn't finish my roll... and overall, i just felt bad... like this sense of displacement... like i was just generally and emotionally lost... and everything i tried to get back to a feeling of well-being was not working... writing, journaling, meditation, even contacting a friend (which i knew was a bad idea)... so, all my feeling of indecision is then compounded with the icky relationship feelings... we talked this morning and are back in a familiar place, but not sure if that's a good place for me, necessarily...

ok, but overall, i'm very happy that i did the 100 day challenge... i felt like it helped me make a bunch of changes and stopped from checking out of my life... i knew there were things i was unhappy about, but when you hide behind work & suffocate yourself with television, it's easier to ignore those things...

in revisiting my intentions: i didn't necessarily attract the relationship or community, but i did have enjoyable experiences that opened doors... for career stuff, i did reap some benefits of things i had begun last year, attracted a position i wanted, but had to turn it down, and started writing again after a substantial hiatus... also, i significantly cut-down on my tv watching... only watching on the weekends and only for short periods of time... i started shooting again... and brainstrorming ways to create a work situation i can enjoy... i fasted for 9 days and counting, cleaned out old papers, and organized my files... and basically, made room for some new energy...

that's a lot to be proud of, i think! there are some regressions, but i think the good far outweighs the bad... and i'm thinking seriously about Season 2, as most of the 100 day challengers have begun...

i do wonder if i tried to take on too many things with it though... sandwiching my 100 day challenge, with the ICP roll a day, the detox, and a few other assignments i got from listening to hay house radio... should season 2 be about simplifying... create 3 goals, and a concentrate on one at time, for proceeding month... that's a thought...

Day 99

also Day 7 of the MC... had a bad headache from 4 to 10/11... it's finally subsided... i broke down and took an aspirin a couple of hours ago...

i feel ok... will spend this weekend, entering the work, turning to the quiet for clarity and inspiration... and move toward clearing the mirror and figuring out that vision, but in an easy and relaxed manner.... not in the ways, i've done it in the past... with the icky urgency... and the "i got to get my ish together" rants.... with the fasting and the quiet, just an easy drop down into flow somehow... a call on the muse and/other divine inspiration... etc...

i think there's been something else kind of nagging me... some old relationship stuff that's hanging over my head... and maybe that's part of the detox as well... maybe your spirit is trying to cleanse itself of that, now that you've finally created a space, with the clearing of body and home to really allow that in.... no wonder you feel kinda crappy... so, i'll work on being gentle with myself over the next couple of days... to usher in the healing of the last few days of the fast.... and maybe the discomfort of the past couple of days means you're getting close to something... you know, how that happens sometimes, that just as things are beginning to break through, the person quits because things got more difficult, right before they were about to get a real benefit of some sort... maybe that's where you are...