Day 29/2?

it all feels so far... some days, i feel good... like i have the capacity to change things... shift inertia.... and other days, it all feels the same... like it's no different and it won't be any different until some force outside of me wills it so... i try not to give in to hopeless days... where i avoid writing like the plague... and all i feel in me is silence or want or lack... which should be plenty to write about, but it all kind of just freezes it up... no maybe now the practice is to just unthaw... unthaw...

Day 25/2

still up late.... will do better tomorrow...

want to increase the play around my work... stop making it so big... and just create... and edit, and tweak... let's see what happens when ___________... i feel like that should be the approach... i keep looking for outlets, but maybe that's not the way... perhaps, i keep making it external... and instead of moving first, and trusting that the universe has my back... or maybe i wait too long to be sure... instead of just experimenting with things... that was always the good thing about school, was that it forced you to experiment, try new things, new forms...

Day 24/2

trying to put good practices in place... i'm up too late right now, so i'm on my way to bed... but i woke up this morning... had a hard time getting up, but i did meditate for 10 minutes... so, want to work on incorporating...

highlight of the day: got a call from a lady w/ one of the film festivals, saying the film has been chosen to screen in London, if i'm down... that made my day...

i haven't broached the wall of fear just yet... the cacophony scares me.... the sheer number of people writing in the world scares me... i'm not sure why... will ask tonight

Day 23/2

i'm in the middle of an open convo right now, but i need to document part 1...

*radical self-care... need guidelines for everyday practice... need to take care of myself the way i would someone else/for someone else... think about it, map it out...

*asking the universe direct questions.... i asked the universe why i was alone... the first thing that came up is that if i was given the -ex fully, i would've been sucked in, completely lost myself... (that's possible)... but in the moment, i balked... i responded that i'd always been alone and i wasn't buying that i needed more of that... if there was one thing i know/knew how to do, it was that... but the response i got.... was but look how you've done it... like it was a sentence, like jail time... always wanting to be this or that.... you've never really got it... even after keepers... you understood yes, he was the match, not the flame... he was just a catalyst... but what did you do once he was gone? you threw it all out, you crawled into a hole... you forgot about the love... you again made him the center of the universe... w/out him, no access to that which you helped create.... what of that? how can you tell me you've done... you're ready for something new, when i've yet to see you do it well... i've yet to see you live it fully...

Day 22/2

Supposed to go to a b-day party... but couldn't make it out of the house... just felt low all day.... and even still now....

Day 21/2

two good social days, but i keep fightin with this stream of doubt... went to the event last night... which was cool... today, spent the day w/ a friend... who when i'm with, the universe keeps showing me something... i'm not sure what... when i'm with this particular friend we have more social interactions on the street and with everybody we encounter... and i think this is her normal energy that draws it... but what's interesting is that when we meet people, most naturally gravitate toward her.... which i realize makes me feel a bit invisible, a bit jealous, and a bit inadequate... like i don't how much of it is personality or energy... i'm sure a bit both... and i used to think it was the discussions of her circle, her friends, the energy of her life that unnerved me and made me feel bad.... but its not just that...

so, i want to meditate on ask what i'm supposed to see here....

all i know is that i'm tired of feeling bad about myself.... tired of feeling invisible or inadequate.... i just want to accept and love myself as i am.... stop dissecting everything and look to the good... so many people don't have what you have.... what's it going to take to help you make that shift?

....

Day 18/2

wrote a little yesterday.... and a tiny bit today.... today's intention was being open and receiving... and my thought was how can i listen and let the universe tell me what the next step should be... so far, the question has been more learning, more school... like early this morning, i got a call from some guy at an online school... (now they've been pestering me for months, ever since i made the mistake of giving them my contact info).... got an e-mail from the same, and when i got home, a brochure from the New School... i'm not sure if that's sign to take more classes and focus... but that was what i saw today... may do a bit of journaling before bed... i feel so tired though and i'm not sure why... trying not to fight it...

Day 16/2

slightly disappointed in myself... want to get back into the habit of writing daily... and avoided it both today and yesterday... and maybe you need to for a couple of days after the whole thing on saturday... or maybe not...

the jury is still out on whether i'm applying for TAL, but ordered their little book and was listening to them again today... and i have to admit i find them inspiring.... but i can't tell like if that's fan love or i-need-to-work-here love... maybe they're one in the same... i know i have to prolong the impatience to get it all down.... and i'm not sure why it's so hard to know what i really want... i feel like that should be the most simple thing in the world...

what do you want? to love to share to inspire.... to be inspired... to be heady w/ that sense of delight when you found something really good and really great... be a it a passage you have to reread, and keep the line w/ you all day... a song that you love on first listen and have to play over and over and over again until you wear it out... that feeling that connects you to another person that's all warm and heartfelt, and the universe/sky making you feel high... want to experience deep connection with other people, know true intimacy, a sense of which i feel i've only glimpsed.... to know love really and truly... to give of myself in way i'm not sure i've ever allowed... to be unafraid.... to be bold, to be visible, to be myself... to do what god put me here to do... and sometimes i think thats touch people w/ words, but i don't really know... i used to feel sure, but i'm not really sure of anything these days... want to know the fullness of my potential... like really put myself out there for once...

was there an insight today? not today specifically, i just been thinking i want to choose a couple of targets and really go for them... i don't want to shy away from choosing anymore or from hard work of getting there... choose 3 places that inspire me... 3 pubs, 3 places of employment, and not sure what the last 3 should be...

i also keep thinking... you are the one you've been waiting for... you want a kickass, community of women artists... begin it! ning it!

Day 15/2

Sundays are always opportunities to start over... so, let's begin again...

i give up needing to be apart of their club... i give up needing to be sure... and that goes for social, professional, etc... i give up needing to be invited, needing to be wanted, needing to be validated... i give up needing HIM to acknowledge my presence... i give up needing them to like my work... i give up needing anything outside myself....

i write that not knowing whether its true... but i feel like its worth something... like i keep stressing this job move... scanning for ops and not having a clue what direction to go in... don't have enough experience for this or that... and there's a bit of hopeless kind of feeling in this... same as true is for the social... but i want to give up waiting for things to change... i want to give up on opting out and accepting the beauty of what is... even when it's not easy to see it...

i know i felt better when i was working on things... and maybe that's all i need to shift back.... let's spend the next 7 days taking excellent care of ourselves.... following our intuition, being silent, and getting in touch w/ our heart's desires, and being as gentle with ourselves as possible...

treat yourself like the very treasure you are...

Day 14/2

yesterday, i was all prepared to write a post about how i felt i turned a corner... i felt solid & grounded... and felt like i had this self social shit sort of worked out... not all the way, but a good solid 75% percent up from the lonely 0%.... but then today, i regressed... and i'm not sure if its what shakti gawain says is the balance between spirit and form... or just that the weekends are hard, and that i need to nail down safety nets and other supporting structures

like i went to this reading for a lit mag i want to be involved in... and then i remember why i hate those things... they always feel like clubs... and clubs are fine at times... but these always take me back to grade school... cool kids over here.... and those of outside desperately wanting to be invited to special table.... je-sus.... got there, had a couple awkward conversations w/ folks i knew from school... and i immediately wanted to leave... i sat through it... and it was ok... and bolted immediately after...

got home, went to co-worker's thing and it was ok... but it mirrored more quasi-ok awkwardness... and by the time, i left... i walked home feeling like i'm back where i was last weekend... like this feeling of futility and isolation...

Day 12/2

today's thought.... was focus....

i went to BDC's New Media Convergence panel and it was good... good discussion and food for thought... what it left me with (the discussion and post-conversations) was this idea of focus... and to be fair, that's been floating in my mind since reading the first third of seth godin's the dip... like i'm starting to feel like if i would just focus on one area for an extended amount of time, i could make real inroads... and that my slow growth is due to that, lack of focus in a particular area... the other thought has been wanting to get really clear about what's really the dream, the goal...

like if you knew there wasn't anything you couldn't do, and nothing you needed to prove.... and that you felt whole enough within yourself to not need accolades or critical claim as validation or proof of your own self-worth, and if you felt content with your own life and personal relationships as they exist right now, and felt like you didn't need this other notch on the belt to attract the friends and partnerships you want, as entry into this world you put up so high... if you gave ALL that up, what's left? what could you be?

i could let the work be the work, a not a reflection of me... i could show the work to people and not hide things so... i could show up for criticism, and maybe even utilize it to get better (instead of shutting down) i could follow my intuition about what projects, or when, or how... i could be led, i could be open, i could share more freely...

Day 11/2

haven't had any new thoughts on job reality... next move.... like the only thing i know is to start asking myself questions, figure out what i really want, and go about creating an opportunity for myself there... part of me thinks begin now... like you want to shoot pictures w/ matching audio, get a recorder and begin asking questions...

the thought today goes back more to the 9/2 post... like i've been feeling a lot calmer about relationships and community stuffy... and today's thought was... you believe the hype... like if everything's a reflection... and everything starts w/ how you think about yourself... truth is you believe all that other stuff is better, more worthy of attention or affection than you... you comparison shop all the time and in your estimate, you always place yourself low on the totem pole... so, part of the next couple of days is trying to rid myself of that comparison mentality

Day 10/2

crazy day... at the job, they laid off 10-11 people... i've been laid off before, so its strange to be on the other side of the fence... as i had been thinking how to get to leave beforehand, i feels strange to be spared...

Day 9/9

A friend of mine is in a quite the dramatic relationship... and the last couple of times we've hung out, he gotten into a fight w/ her over the phone... he's always put out by her insecurity, her neediness... today, i could hear her on the phone... "where are yoooooou?" and i thought damn, i used to be that girl... shit, may still be, really... the jury is still out and that's stuff you don't really know until you're tested.... but it definitely got me thinking... just like my brother's relationship w/ his wife, and other relationships of friends, and whatnot... what kind of partner do i want to be?

and i think how so much of the wanting of a relationship is about the part about the image or ideal (the romantic Hollywood shit), but the other part is that need to be validated.... that someone wants us, desires us, see us as worthy... and when i think of my friend and his fights with his girlfriend, i'm reminded of how different men and women's expectations are... like as a woman, i'm socialized to be a people-pleaser, to seek others approval and fulfill their needs, and deems those things more important than my own wants and desires... but men aren't raised that way... they're taught to take care of themselves first, all else is secondary... so, it's like she (friend's girlfriend, my high school friend E, or even myself) expects a man to respond to her want or desire the way she would... but he's going to take care of his needs/commitments first, and then figure out where she fits in... we never question that our way is ridiculous... that if we honored ourselves better, we wouldn't have to resent them when they put themselves first... cause we'd know how to do the same... and if we were doing the same, we wouldn't look to them to fulfill us, cause we'd already be taking care of that... we'd just be sharing with them the fruits of our fulfilling deeds...

i feel like that opens us something... and then to take it further, inspired by bellavie's post, who i would be if i didn't feel like i needed a man in my life to validate my worth... i could stop feeling bad about not having one... i could stop scanning for compatible partners.... i could stop feeling the need to prove i'm special or attractive or smart... i could stop waiting to be chosen.... i could very well find myself! i could enjoy men as human beings... and not as something i need to acquire before it gets "too late"... i could let go of R...

the same question goes for career... who could you be if you weren't looking toward a career or external validation (critical acclaim for a book or film) as a means of self-worth? i could do things for the love, without calculating where i think it may land me... i could lose the need to be competitve... shit, i could admit that i'm a bit competitive...

sleepy, will continue this thought tomorrow....

Day 8/2

it's so hot, so i'll make this post short... i think the intention for the week is to get in the flow.... no need to scramble to be this or that, to be noticed, or recognized... let's just really be present, really be ourselves, and trust what we have to offer, and be open... that's it... no stress... we fill our own cup... and ask the universe questions regarding what's showing up now...

let's be thankful for where we are right now... healthy, in a safe, clean place to sleep, rest, and refuge... you are loved... you are of sane mind and healthy body.... ice cream is the fridge! and things are taken care of! you have a job... the rent is paid.... be grateful...

Day 6/2

Strange day... yesterday was interesting... i was stalling on my way to a thing last night, and i stopped in this church... the doors were open and people were just sitting quietly... when i got to the doorway, i heard drumming.... which struck me kind of strange for a catholic church... so, i sat down in the back... and the woman started singing and she had this beautiful voice... and she sang to the drums, and then moved over and sang to this harp instrument, did another song on guitar, and another on piano... and the place just felt very meditative and peaceful...

at the event, me & some co-workers had our fortunes told... and hard to say, whether i put any stock in it... but she bascially said... like you're feeling this heaviness now.... don't run from it, it may have something to teach/tell you... you looking for a change, don't be afraid to take a risk, luck is on your side...

didn't have any clear intentions today... so, no real clear revelations... but i do want to actively start experimenting more with the law of attraction and listening to my intuition...

i spent most of the evening looking for jobs... saw a few interesting things i'm not qualified for... so, wondering what i need to do.... what do i need to create to bring about an opportunity i'm excited about...

Day 4/2

began the day w/ a little shakti gawain... worked on the site & copy-edited a draft of the book, all the but the academic essay... so, i'm marking a day for that this weekend! on Friday, i think just make the edits you noted, and next Friday, you can work on putting the image placeholders in, you think? hm... well, i would try to work on the images tomorrow, but i think i may need to go to the lab tomorrow... i need to have some type for portfolio for monday's class... and i think the only way i'll have that is to go to the lab.... so, i should be reading that photo book now, but i think i'm on the way to bed...

i haven't set any clear intentions over the last couple of days, except maybe things to work on... and i feel like i've been moving and been pretty productive on those things... i still haven't put in any more work on the NYS site and set up a meeting with GGE, but i will soon... i need to figure out a day for that... maybe go in late one morning, and meet them at 10 or so, and get to work by noon.... something so, that the NYS work can begin via collaboration...

need to create a schedule for the book project...

overall feeling: still sort of fragile, honestly... so, will continue trying to really work with self-care and really lean into my intuition about what's going on...

Day 3/2

strange day... productive... sent a piece out to The Sun and did the video stuff i needed to do at work... so, i'm getting closer to getting the videos up online...

was fine 'til i left the office... walked to Union Sq., saw HIM across 14th St., started to walk toward him to say hello... and i realize who he's with... i turn to the corner, and hope he doesn't see me as their crossing the street... i walked for a while, but couldn't shake the feeling... came home and settled into a 2 hr crying bout... not just about him, but all this other STUFF i'm trying to reconcile...

by the end, i realized i've been holding onto some anger, and that one of the reasons i'm so attached is because of what he represents... and how that differs from my idea/perspective of other men in my past.... basically, it's a worth issue...

other thoughts i had: this one image particularly got to me... i saw a circle of older women surrounding me... toni cade, toni morrison, alice, lorraine... and toni has her hand on my shoulder, and she tells me i have a calling, and a responsibility not to hide... i remember crying harder at this point...

and came from all of it w/ these 3 points: i embrace my light, i accept my good, and i know that i am worthy of all the great things the universe has in store for me... i'm still trying to reconcile this question of worthiness with my upbringing of Christian dogma... but that's another hill to climb...

Day 2/2

i took the day off! i realize i have to get over that idea that things at the office will fall apart if i'm not there.... they won't! none of us are indispensable. be thankful for that...

i feel good and productive... worked on the blog/site... had a couple of ideas about how i want to approach images for the book, and so that means to make some more time for shooting.... but i still want that to be more purposeful, not just walking around with the camera, at least until i get a lighter one for that... so, want to get the videos on the site, so we can go live! (which for me, is just really letting people know the site exists)... did a little work on getting CBL camera ready, but still not quite done...

also on the agenda for this week: getting the last version of BWW digital, and the must: preparing a portfolio for next week's new ICP class... think i'll need about 2 days in the lab for that...

important to remember: breathe! i feel myself getting a little overwhelmed with the projects i'm pursuing and i'm not sure why.... there's no external deadline, it's just me... so, i just want to calm down, no scrambling, make it easy on myself to do what needs to be done, and bring about things in an easy, relaxed manner... no struggle is necessary, here... [or maybe, anywhere] remember to see as already done... [the book is already done and its beautiful!!]

July 4th is book day... i think that's all i'm going to work on that day...

and goals: still clarifying, but here's the rough sketch
1) to successfully publish my book
2) to build/join a lively community of friends and fellow artists
3) to have a healthy, romantic relationship
4) to find & get a job i love, that's enjoyable, meaningful, and financially prosperous

that being said...
part of the actions i want to commit to over the next 100 days are great shifts in thinking & feeling... #1, i am the one am i waiting for... ie. no waiting or sad feeling about lack of people... #2, giving myself what i need and trusting that i'm fully capable of doing so, #3, trusting the Universe enough to lean on when i don't know to do... - giving up that i have to know or solve it or fix it...

what kind of life do you REALLY want? what's bliss to you? beyond the man and the popular fantasy... for real? in reading alice walker, i feel like there are all these other layers of life we're not accessing... and i've been blinded by this cookie cutter recipe of the happy life and upset about the wrong thing... what i need is greater connection to myself, to my spirit, to my work on this earth, and of course, people... but it's not about the people, it's not about people in the way you've been thinking about it... be willing to see it larger... like people far and near, past and present... who do you work for? who do you write/create for? why, easy, mute girls everywhere... mute girls everywhere...

Starting over & recommitting... Day 1/Season 2 remix

so, today marks Day 1 for the Season 5 folks... and i'm going to fall in line with that and give myself permission to begin again...

the last couple of weeks, i found myself in the midst of a nagging depression... hit an interesting bottom and think i'm ready to see my way clear... i feel a little more myself, with a renewed ability to focus... and that's a real beginning, seeing as where i was last week...

practices for the next 100 days:
1. radical self-care - at least 10-15 min in the morning, and at least 10-15 min at night to check-in, meditate, affirmations, set intentions, read inspiration literature
2. embrace change - do 1 thing different, take risks
3. speak up - don't agree to things you don't want, and don't agree just to please other folk... say what u mean, mean what u say from the diaphragm... no mumbling or stuttering
4. exercise! not sure of the how, but ok
5. journalling, blogging

i'll clarify the goals tomorrow... with quantitative actions