Day 52

we had quasi plans on sunday... nothing materialized... and we haven't spoken yet... he sent me a text, and i think he called, but didn't leave a message... not sure what to do there... and i'm trying to let some time pass and see what happens...

Day 50?

i'm not sure if i should keep count any more... not sure if i'm really practicing the laws anymore... went out on a date tonight... and i had a nice time... but all throughout the week, i was envisioning this man as my partner, in my home, etc.... not to force anything, but just because i like the energy around it... like i liked the attention and/or feeling of his interest, and the fantasies around that, were just ways to extend it... and now, i wonder... we'll probably go out again... but i fear you're just looking for someone plug into the relationship box... and he'll fits well enough... like i'm not sure if its really about him at all, or you just want what you want and are willing to make a concession or two to get it... i don't know... perhaps, i'm thinking too much... it's early... let's just enjoy what it is...

Day 48/2

been feeling a little trapped at work lately... like how i was going to do this for the rest of the year... maybe i'm crazy... i don't know... but by the EOD, i felt better... i ran around, spent too much money, got home, played with new goddess oracle cards... got the "bright future" card a few times, which means stop worrying... everything's fine... everything is working together for your good... ie. pronoia... i'm like ok... so, i saw an add for a freelance gig at Scholastic, only 5 months... which is either through Dec or January... but i'm like how perfect would that be to bounce from the gig to Scholastic... do a cool, interesting freelance project that prepares you to possibly to take on other programming/design/web stuff... and then leap right into TAL in January... how perfect would that be... i could give up NBPC, if that's the deal, you know... but i have to finish that app tomorrow, since i procrastinated all weekend... so, i don't know... do i create that? i wrote a good enough letter to get an interview, but how do i know what's for my highest good?

i go back and forth... like good soldier... you can stick out this current gig... i know you don't want to do it anymore, you're burned out, you barely care... some days, it's so hard for you to go in in the morning... but you can do this... and the other part of me is like why? why do you have to do this... trapped is a state of mind, you are free... you can be free and it'll be fine... and you can create it the way you want it... you don't have to suffer in hopes for a "reward"...

Day 46/2

today, did the book reading... and it was cool... i was proud of myself... like i stayed in the moment, didn't think too much, and the feedback i got was positive... i had a hard time w/ the party aspect of it though...

other than did that, didn't do too much today... will map out a short plan for tomorrow...

day 44/2

so, lately i've been feeling a lot of anti-work energy... not sure what to do with it... i feel like its surface emotional, not gut... but who knows... on other fronts... i'm supposed to participating in a reading this weekend, but i kinda forgot about it today... so, i really need to start preparing... i'll work on it tomorrow... and read a piece at my arts group and got some positive feedback... and also, got a link to my blog from someone i don't know...

still feel anxiety toward next steps, but just want to meet the deadlines i have this week... for NBPC & cave canem thing... even though i'm still unsure about the cave canem thing and whether it's the right direction for me...

i feel like i learned something today in belly dancing class... like i'm trying to get clear with my beginner's mind... like using this as way to deal with my self-consciousness, my need to be perfect, etc.... so, one of the things i saw (and it's kind of a carryover from something someone said yesterday at the arts group) was that when i trust myself, stop worrying so much about what other people are doing, stop worrying so much about doing it exactly like the teacher, see the step, and feel it in my own body... and trust that... i felt like i did so much better... and i could see or feel myself slipping the more i worried about how i appeared...

i'm still unsure about what to do with the job stuff... wondering if my TAL plan is a crazy one... would a better plan be to just go about getting another, with TAL submissions a consistent goal, ala Hilary Frank... no internship... i say this cause i'm wondering what would you do after the internship... they hire one every semester, they couldn't keep you... and it seems like few of them go on to work for the show with the exception of alix spiegel, who started interning there before there was a formal program... again, maybe i'm putting the cart before the horse... overthinking as usual

Day 40/2

just a quick note... i realized the task/journey at hand is that of learning how to build a life... i was always good at, for the most part, at crossing the t's and dotting the i's... keeping a job, an apt, being responsible... (knock knock)... but i feel like i'm not sure i ever really learned how to take care of myself for real... not just buying the clothes and feeding myself, but really taking care of myself... setting up a practice, taking care of mind AND body... proper exercise, nutrition... stretching... spiritual center... etc...

this is a thought that has occurred to me, now that i've slid back down from every good practice i incorporated w/ the first 100 days... from the fasting (food & TV) etc... so, i want to learn what i really need...

Day 39/2

hadn't realized it's been so long since i checked in... maybe that's why i'm so grouchy... i feel like the last couple of days i've been avoiding myself... endless searches online, blog reading, crappy tv watching, etc... haven't written, haven't meditated... just been a little depressed and anxious feeling... i heard my neighbor come in an hour ago with her boyfriend... and i just sunk a little lower... i think i've been a little obsessed with the idea of relationships today... that and not wanting to write... and not wanting to create anything concrete... despite the fact, i know it would be easier to create than to continue to feel like this... writing, photographing, going out into the humid, wet world would all be easier than this painful avoidance... this sickly dance... this pretense of okayness or wholeness... and you dance faster to drown out the loud hum, the eerie quiet, the tomb-like stillness...

and any attempt feels so unsatisfying... you should know by now, you can't run from yourself... best to march on into the quiet, into the sadness, open up to it, let it have its way with you, let it tell you that which it came to tell you... stop grieving for another moment... free yourself enough to ony grieve for this one... i can hear them, talking and laughing in bed... i don't scream, though i want to.... i want to cry and casa scream my way into the dark outside... i throw my hands up... i surrender to the 4 AM call... the gnashing of teeth, muffled wails, and tear songs that i've been avoiding all day... i'll leave this tiny room where the bass of his voice tickles these walls... and what's left is undistinguishable... perhaps, now, they're making love...

Day 36 - back to the ranch

a sista from the healing circle invited me to another group of women working with urban shamanism... we gathered and meditated and the leader guided us on a journey... now, this one was a little difficult for me... my mediation practice isn't really strong enough yet for this... so, i feel like i got one message, but when it came to the other parts, my mind just took over and got really impatient and erratic... not sure how i feel about continuing with this particular group, but it was an experience...

got home, checked in w/ mom about this week's coming visit... and the beautiful feeling from casa has now worn off... i woke this morning with such a good feeling of self-love and joy... like i didn't want to get up... and i just lied in bed feeling good... and by now, i feel the insecurities rising... my resistance around chicago gearing up...

so, that's the question, how do i continue what casa has begun... cause now, i'm on the verge of that low feeling again... that disconnected feeling... and i realize this is really how people check out, murder themselves or self-destruct... cause in this state, it's so easy to believe you're worthless, that you don't matter...

perhaps, this is why i find myself obsessed with acquisition some days... it's true... cause we're taught in the acquiring of men, we are valid, worthy beings... w/out that, we're not sure who we are, what purpose we serve... i've read enough feminist texts to know women's power and such... but what you know in mind is different from the fear you walk around with... and when i'm honest, i know that's the fear... that i'm invisible... yes... that i could evaporate at any moment... and maybe something taught you that its a man that will anchor you... his seeing, his embrace... what have you... the holy mirror...

how do we let go of that? how do i say i embrace the power that casa has shown me? that i'm powerful, i do matter... i don't need to be saved or rescued... i can take care of myself... really... and not just pay the rent and feed myself, but genuinely love and care for myself the way i would want to be cared for by another human being... what does that mean? what does that look like?

-it means i have my own back, set my own boundaries, and give myself proper encouragement and caring...
-i mirror the good things... i nurture and affirm the best...
-i am gentle and loving toward myself... i don't pressure myself to be like this person or that... i appreciate me for who i am...

what do you need? boundaries, affection, encouragement, affirmation, and a little discipline... how so? i need to set up commitments to do these things and honor myself and my word by keeping them...

what would you want to do? 1) daily affirmations... 2) commit to my artistic self & guides... 3) write everyday (not sure if blogging counts or not), 4) follow through on your list of goals for the next 2 months... 5) a steady morning practice... 6) be open to asking spirit for what you need and connecting more w/ others...

and in response to michael at genius catalyst list of ten unusual things you're grateful for:
1) alice walker's temple of my familiar
2) turquoise
3) braeburn apples
4) the smell of rain
5) soft jersey cotton (sheets or t-shirts)
6) lemon verbena
7) sleep
8)

Day 35

day 3 of very poweful women energy... went to casa's healing circle... and it blew my mind... to be in space with 10 other women... and everyone's calling out their shit, their insecurity, their self-loathing, their baggage... it was amazing...

first, you sit in a circle... you put out what you came to release... then we break into groups of 3... one coach, one coachee, and one anchor... the coach walks the person through, the anchor has literally got your back... and then you rotate.... mine was mainly dedicated to self-worth... i cried a lot, and they encourage you to scream... that part was crazy... cause i didn't feel like i could scream... and once i did, i couldn't stop... like the voice just kept going and going and going.... and i lost myself for a moment.... i'm not sure i've ever had an experience like that... and it makes me wonder if that's what most of us are looking for when we seek out orgasms... not the real love-making kind, that are about connection and intimacy, but the manual, or masturbation kind...

the affirmations were hard for me... it was hard for me to say those things like i meant them, in a strong declarative voice... and was hard for me to look people directly in the eye... like i wouldn't look at them... and when i looked, i would concentrate somewhere near the eye, but not directly in the eye... and when i was acting as the coach for one of the other women.... i really had to concentrate to look her directly in the eye... so she could feel like i was supporting her.... like i was really present with her...

i really loved that feeling of being supported while in the darkness... the women surround you... and the other leaders that are just walking around, monitoring, jump in where needed.... they may come in and lay an extra hand on your neck or shoulder.... sprinke some florida or rose water on you...

and after, i just felt exhausted... like maybe i really had given birth to something... maybe this is the beginning i've been seeking since staring the hundred-day challenge... like i can really begin again, because i can really see the hiding and the disconnectedness that's going on with me... all else is but a mirror... i felt some resistance come up when i wrote that... about beginning again... but truth is we begin again everyday... it's only our resistance to make one day mirror the other... it takes energy to strike out new paths daily.... and most of us are too tired or shut down to do so... wow, i feel like what a gift...

and i feel the resistance... so i won't declare what the gift is... and but i do feel blessed and happy... definitely worth the commute and the $20... no question...

Day 34

so, went to this belly dancing class today... i'm mixed on it... part of me enjoyed it, but the self-conscious duck thing did arise.... and it's funny... i feel like this is a good exercise with perfectionism... to be willing to take something on just for the sake of it.. because it feels good, cause you actually enjoy dance... i remember trying african dance years ago... and i really liked it... but the self-conscious, ego shit kept getting in the way... i want to work on that... i feel like there's a much bolder woman in you that could grow from this... and by extension, you can learn to enter into something as a beginner, without the need to be perfect, to catch on immediately, to be something than spirit enjoying space and time...

also know i need to stop scanning for opportunities when i come and work on the ones in front of me... set up a practice/play period... and be diligent in it....

but one of the most powerful things was this: at the beginning, she schooled us on posture... align your back and pelvis, put your shoulders back, chin up... it's a very assertive stance.... and she says, "this is how you should stand for life..." and a bell went off in my head....

Day 33

so, i went to this new women's art group event being held bi-monthly in East Harlem earlier this evening... and we had an interesting discussion about women's perceptions of other women... initially, when they proposed this topic via e-mail "perceptions of women," it's funny that i didn't even think about women's perceptions... my mind seized on the obvious... men's perceptions of women and the repercussions... perhaps, BWW is still a little too present in my mind...

so, this turned a whole another corner on something i don't normally think about... i'm aware of my thought process about other women... how it's connected to whatever i feel i lack at that moment... but i've also noticed as i'm more loving and accepting of myself, the less judgmental i am about other women... i remember years ago, there was this girl in DC i hated for no reason... and i am clear i hated any women that seemed too free, w/out the harness or baggage i felt constrained by... and now i see how much that has changed... i see girls/women and i applaud their swagger, their boldness... the things i would have hated before because they reminded me so much of what i lacked, i know nod too... as if to say, lead the way, sister... show us how its done... and there's the other thing... in acknowledging the it, i know now that there is no IT... there's many manifestations, and i look to them to show me the possibilities... and i see all as one big parade... but i do admit that's on good days... other days, i come down with bad cases of comparisonitus... and sitting in that cafe today let know it's not just me... i think i never realized that other women obsess about that too... i just thought it was a byproduct of years of low self-esteem.... that most women grew out of it after high school or college... but unlike some of the other women, i don't look and am not sure i've ever looked at other women as a threat... that's not because i'm particularly evolved... but more so, because i always played the background, the less than.... and so i think to some degree i always started from a position that they were more, and i was less... so, no threat necessary at that point... you've already conceded the game...

i look at other women and i wonder about their lives--who they go home to and what kind of lives they've created for themselves... what kind of dreams they have and if they've managed to make them happen... i look at women and i see people... i look at men and see acquisitions... the mate possibility scan begins... categorized, filed, or ignored based on pre-programmed criteria (parameters)