Day ?- happy accident

from high to low... so, that ship sailed... and in a way that made me feel bad, but the next night, i went to a party with a friend and had a fabulous time.. and i don't know if that's the change... or perhaps, just a bit of grace... but i've felt really good this week... like i'm more focused at work, i feel more confident when i walk outside the house... i'm not pressed about the male stuff... i'm completely ok where i am... got a couple of writing workshops i'm taking... and i'm excited to get started and commit to the process and come out the other side... saw a great new position i'm applying for... and i just want to complete the app and work on the manifestation part of it...

Day 52

we had quasi plans on sunday... nothing materialized... and we haven't spoken yet... he sent me a text, and i think he called, but didn't leave a message... not sure what to do there... and i'm trying to let some time pass and see what happens...

Day 50?

i'm not sure if i should keep count any more... not sure if i'm really practicing the laws anymore... went out on a date tonight... and i had a nice time... but all throughout the week, i was envisioning this man as my partner, in my home, etc.... not to force anything, but just because i like the energy around it... like i liked the attention and/or feeling of his interest, and the fantasies around that, were just ways to extend it... and now, i wonder... we'll probably go out again... but i fear you're just looking for someone plug into the relationship box... and he'll fits well enough... like i'm not sure if its really about him at all, or you just want what you want and are willing to make a concession or two to get it... i don't know... perhaps, i'm thinking too much... it's early... let's just enjoy what it is...

Day 48/2

been feeling a little trapped at work lately... like how i was going to do this for the rest of the year... maybe i'm crazy... i don't know... but by the EOD, i felt better... i ran around, spent too much money, got home, played with new goddess oracle cards... got the "bright future" card a few times, which means stop worrying... everything's fine... everything is working together for your good... ie. pronoia... i'm like ok... so, i saw an add for a freelance gig at Scholastic, only 5 months... which is either through Dec or January... but i'm like how perfect would that be to bounce from the gig to Scholastic... do a cool, interesting freelance project that prepares you to possibly to take on other programming/design/web stuff... and then leap right into TAL in January... how perfect would that be... i could give up NBPC, if that's the deal, you know... but i have to finish that app tomorrow, since i procrastinated all weekend... so, i don't know... do i create that? i wrote a good enough letter to get an interview, but how do i know what's for my highest good?

i go back and forth... like good soldier... you can stick out this current gig... i know you don't want to do it anymore, you're burned out, you barely care... some days, it's so hard for you to go in in the morning... but you can do this... and the other part of me is like why? why do you have to do this... trapped is a state of mind, you are free... you can be free and it'll be fine... and you can create it the way you want it... you don't have to suffer in hopes for a "reward"...

Day 46/2

today, did the book reading... and it was cool... i was proud of myself... like i stayed in the moment, didn't think too much, and the feedback i got was positive... i had a hard time w/ the party aspect of it though...

other than did that, didn't do too much today... will map out a short plan for tomorrow...

day 44/2

so, lately i've been feeling a lot of anti-work energy... not sure what to do with it... i feel like its surface emotional, not gut... but who knows... on other fronts... i'm supposed to participating in a reading this weekend, but i kinda forgot about it today... so, i really need to start preparing... i'll work on it tomorrow... and read a piece at my arts group and got some positive feedback... and also, got a link to my blog from someone i don't know...

still feel anxiety toward next steps, but just want to meet the deadlines i have this week... for NBPC & cave canem thing... even though i'm still unsure about the cave canem thing and whether it's the right direction for me...

i feel like i learned something today in belly dancing class... like i'm trying to get clear with my beginner's mind... like using this as way to deal with my self-consciousness, my need to be perfect, etc.... so, one of the things i saw (and it's kind of a carryover from something someone said yesterday at the arts group) was that when i trust myself, stop worrying so much about what other people are doing, stop worrying so much about doing it exactly like the teacher, see the step, and feel it in my own body... and trust that... i felt like i did so much better... and i could see or feel myself slipping the more i worried about how i appeared...

i'm still unsure about what to do with the job stuff... wondering if my TAL plan is a crazy one... would a better plan be to just go about getting another, with TAL submissions a consistent goal, ala Hilary Frank... no internship... i say this cause i'm wondering what would you do after the internship... they hire one every semester, they couldn't keep you... and it seems like few of them go on to work for the show with the exception of alix spiegel, who started interning there before there was a formal program... again, maybe i'm putting the cart before the horse... overthinking as usual

Day 40/2

just a quick note... i realized the task/journey at hand is that of learning how to build a life... i was always good at, for the most part, at crossing the t's and dotting the i's... keeping a job, an apt, being responsible... (knock knock)... but i feel like i'm not sure i ever really learned how to take care of myself for real... not just buying the clothes and feeding myself, but really taking care of myself... setting up a practice, taking care of mind AND body... proper exercise, nutrition... stretching... spiritual center... etc...

this is a thought that has occurred to me, now that i've slid back down from every good practice i incorporated w/ the first 100 days... from the fasting (food & TV) etc... so, i want to learn what i really need...