Day ?- happy accident

from high to low... so, that ship sailed... and in a way that made me feel bad, but the next night, i went to a party with a friend and had a fabulous time.. and i don't know if that's the change... or perhaps, just a bit of grace... but i've felt really good this week... like i'm more focused at work, i feel more confident when i walk outside the house... i'm not pressed about the male stuff... i'm completely ok where i am... got a couple of writing workshops i'm taking... and i'm excited to get started and commit to the process and come out the other side... saw a great new position i'm applying for... and i just want to complete the app and work on the manifestation part of it...

Day 52

we had quasi plans on sunday... nothing materialized... and we haven't spoken yet... he sent me a text, and i think he called, but didn't leave a message... not sure what to do there... and i'm trying to let some time pass and see what happens...

Day 50?

i'm not sure if i should keep count any more... not sure if i'm really practicing the laws anymore... went out on a date tonight... and i had a nice time... but all throughout the week, i was envisioning this man as my partner, in my home, etc.... not to force anything, but just because i like the energy around it... like i liked the attention and/or feeling of his interest, and the fantasies around that, were just ways to extend it... and now, i wonder... we'll probably go out again... but i fear you're just looking for someone plug into the relationship box... and he'll fits well enough... like i'm not sure if its really about him at all, or you just want what you want and are willing to make a concession or two to get it... i don't know... perhaps, i'm thinking too much... it's early... let's just enjoy what it is...

Day 48/2

been feeling a little trapped at work lately... like how i was going to do this for the rest of the year... maybe i'm crazy... i don't know... but by the EOD, i felt better... i ran around, spent too much money, got home, played with new goddess oracle cards... got the "bright future" card a few times, which means stop worrying... everything's fine... everything is working together for your good... ie. pronoia... i'm like ok... so, i saw an add for a freelance gig at Scholastic, only 5 months... which is either through Dec or January... but i'm like how perfect would that be to bounce from the gig to Scholastic... do a cool, interesting freelance project that prepares you to possibly to take on other programming/design/web stuff... and then leap right into TAL in January... how perfect would that be... i could give up NBPC, if that's the deal, you know... but i have to finish that app tomorrow, since i procrastinated all weekend... so, i don't know... do i create that? i wrote a good enough letter to get an interview, but how do i know what's for my highest good?

i go back and forth... like good soldier... you can stick out this current gig... i know you don't want to do it anymore, you're burned out, you barely care... some days, it's so hard for you to go in in the morning... but you can do this... and the other part of me is like why? why do you have to do this... trapped is a state of mind, you are free... you can be free and it'll be fine... and you can create it the way you want it... you don't have to suffer in hopes for a "reward"...

Day 46/2

today, did the book reading... and it was cool... i was proud of myself... like i stayed in the moment, didn't think too much, and the feedback i got was positive... i had a hard time w/ the party aspect of it though...

other than did that, didn't do too much today... will map out a short plan for tomorrow...

day 44/2

so, lately i've been feeling a lot of anti-work energy... not sure what to do with it... i feel like its surface emotional, not gut... but who knows... on other fronts... i'm supposed to participating in a reading this weekend, but i kinda forgot about it today... so, i really need to start preparing... i'll work on it tomorrow... and read a piece at my arts group and got some positive feedback... and also, got a link to my blog from someone i don't know...

still feel anxiety toward next steps, but just want to meet the deadlines i have this week... for NBPC & cave canem thing... even though i'm still unsure about the cave canem thing and whether it's the right direction for me...

i feel like i learned something today in belly dancing class... like i'm trying to get clear with my beginner's mind... like using this as way to deal with my self-consciousness, my need to be perfect, etc.... so, one of the things i saw (and it's kind of a carryover from something someone said yesterday at the arts group) was that when i trust myself, stop worrying so much about what other people are doing, stop worrying so much about doing it exactly like the teacher, see the step, and feel it in my own body... and trust that... i felt like i did so much better... and i could see or feel myself slipping the more i worried about how i appeared...

i'm still unsure about what to do with the job stuff... wondering if my TAL plan is a crazy one... would a better plan be to just go about getting another, with TAL submissions a consistent goal, ala Hilary Frank... no internship... i say this cause i'm wondering what would you do after the internship... they hire one every semester, they couldn't keep you... and it seems like few of them go on to work for the show with the exception of alix spiegel, who started interning there before there was a formal program... again, maybe i'm putting the cart before the horse... overthinking as usual

Day 40/2

just a quick note... i realized the task/journey at hand is that of learning how to build a life... i was always good at, for the most part, at crossing the t's and dotting the i's... keeping a job, an apt, being responsible... (knock knock)... but i feel like i'm not sure i ever really learned how to take care of myself for real... not just buying the clothes and feeding myself, but really taking care of myself... setting up a practice, taking care of mind AND body... proper exercise, nutrition... stretching... spiritual center... etc...

this is a thought that has occurred to me, now that i've slid back down from every good practice i incorporated w/ the first 100 days... from the fasting (food & TV) etc... so, i want to learn what i really need...

Day 39/2

hadn't realized it's been so long since i checked in... maybe that's why i'm so grouchy... i feel like the last couple of days i've been avoiding myself... endless searches online, blog reading, crappy tv watching, etc... haven't written, haven't meditated... just been a little depressed and anxious feeling... i heard my neighbor come in an hour ago with her boyfriend... and i just sunk a little lower... i think i've been a little obsessed with the idea of relationships today... that and not wanting to write... and not wanting to create anything concrete... despite the fact, i know it would be easier to create than to continue to feel like this... writing, photographing, going out into the humid, wet world would all be easier than this painful avoidance... this sickly dance... this pretense of okayness or wholeness... and you dance faster to drown out the loud hum, the eerie quiet, the tomb-like stillness...

and any attempt feels so unsatisfying... you should know by now, you can't run from yourself... best to march on into the quiet, into the sadness, open up to it, let it have its way with you, let it tell you that which it came to tell you... stop grieving for another moment... free yourself enough to ony grieve for this one... i can hear them, talking and laughing in bed... i don't scream, though i want to.... i want to cry and casa scream my way into the dark outside... i throw my hands up... i surrender to the 4 AM call... the gnashing of teeth, muffled wails, and tear songs that i've been avoiding all day... i'll leave this tiny room where the bass of his voice tickles these walls... and what's left is undistinguishable... perhaps, now, they're making love...

Day 36 - back to the ranch

a sista from the healing circle invited me to another group of women working with urban shamanism... we gathered and meditated and the leader guided us on a journey... now, this one was a little difficult for me... my mediation practice isn't really strong enough yet for this... so, i feel like i got one message, but when it came to the other parts, my mind just took over and got really impatient and erratic... not sure how i feel about continuing with this particular group, but it was an experience...

got home, checked in w/ mom about this week's coming visit... and the beautiful feeling from casa has now worn off... i woke this morning with such a good feeling of self-love and joy... like i didn't want to get up... and i just lied in bed feeling good... and by now, i feel the insecurities rising... my resistance around chicago gearing up...

so, that's the question, how do i continue what casa has begun... cause now, i'm on the verge of that low feeling again... that disconnected feeling... and i realize this is really how people check out, murder themselves or self-destruct... cause in this state, it's so easy to believe you're worthless, that you don't matter...

perhaps, this is why i find myself obsessed with acquisition some days... it's true... cause we're taught in the acquiring of men, we are valid, worthy beings... w/out that, we're not sure who we are, what purpose we serve... i've read enough feminist texts to know women's power and such... but what you know in mind is different from the fear you walk around with... and when i'm honest, i know that's the fear... that i'm invisible... yes... that i could evaporate at any moment... and maybe something taught you that its a man that will anchor you... his seeing, his embrace... what have you... the holy mirror...

how do we let go of that? how do i say i embrace the power that casa has shown me? that i'm powerful, i do matter... i don't need to be saved or rescued... i can take care of myself... really... and not just pay the rent and feed myself, but genuinely love and care for myself the way i would want to be cared for by another human being... what does that mean? what does that look like?

-it means i have my own back, set my own boundaries, and give myself proper encouragement and caring...
-i mirror the good things... i nurture and affirm the best...
-i am gentle and loving toward myself... i don't pressure myself to be like this person or that... i appreciate me for who i am...

what do you need? boundaries, affection, encouragement, affirmation, and a little discipline... how so? i need to set up commitments to do these things and honor myself and my word by keeping them...

what would you want to do? 1) daily affirmations... 2) commit to my artistic self & guides... 3) write everyday (not sure if blogging counts or not), 4) follow through on your list of goals for the next 2 months... 5) a steady morning practice... 6) be open to asking spirit for what you need and connecting more w/ others...

and in response to michael at genius catalyst list of ten unusual things you're grateful for:
1) alice walker's temple of my familiar
2) turquoise
3) braeburn apples
4) the smell of rain
5) soft jersey cotton (sheets or t-shirts)
6) lemon verbena
7) sleep
8)

Day 35

day 3 of very poweful women energy... went to casa's healing circle... and it blew my mind... to be in space with 10 other women... and everyone's calling out their shit, their insecurity, their self-loathing, their baggage... it was amazing...

first, you sit in a circle... you put out what you came to release... then we break into groups of 3... one coach, one coachee, and one anchor... the coach walks the person through, the anchor has literally got your back... and then you rotate.... mine was mainly dedicated to self-worth... i cried a lot, and they encourage you to scream... that part was crazy... cause i didn't feel like i could scream... and once i did, i couldn't stop... like the voice just kept going and going and going.... and i lost myself for a moment.... i'm not sure i've ever had an experience like that... and it makes me wonder if that's what most of us are looking for when we seek out orgasms... not the real love-making kind, that are about connection and intimacy, but the manual, or masturbation kind...

the affirmations were hard for me... it was hard for me to say those things like i meant them, in a strong declarative voice... and was hard for me to look people directly in the eye... like i wouldn't look at them... and when i looked, i would concentrate somewhere near the eye, but not directly in the eye... and when i was acting as the coach for one of the other women.... i really had to concentrate to look her directly in the eye... so she could feel like i was supporting her.... like i was really present with her...

i really loved that feeling of being supported while in the darkness... the women surround you... and the other leaders that are just walking around, monitoring, jump in where needed.... they may come in and lay an extra hand on your neck or shoulder.... sprinke some florida or rose water on you...

and after, i just felt exhausted... like maybe i really had given birth to something... maybe this is the beginning i've been seeking since staring the hundred-day challenge... like i can really begin again, because i can really see the hiding and the disconnectedness that's going on with me... all else is but a mirror... i felt some resistance come up when i wrote that... about beginning again... but truth is we begin again everyday... it's only our resistance to make one day mirror the other... it takes energy to strike out new paths daily.... and most of us are too tired or shut down to do so... wow, i feel like what a gift...

and i feel the resistance... so i won't declare what the gift is... and but i do feel blessed and happy... definitely worth the commute and the $20... no question...

Day 34

so, went to this belly dancing class today... i'm mixed on it... part of me enjoyed it, but the self-conscious duck thing did arise.... and it's funny... i feel like this is a good exercise with perfectionism... to be willing to take something on just for the sake of it.. because it feels good, cause you actually enjoy dance... i remember trying african dance years ago... and i really liked it... but the self-conscious, ego shit kept getting in the way... i want to work on that... i feel like there's a much bolder woman in you that could grow from this... and by extension, you can learn to enter into something as a beginner, without the need to be perfect, to catch on immediately, to be something than spirit enjoying space and time...

also know i need to stop scanning for opportunities when i come and work on the ones in front of me... set up a practice/play period... and be diligent in it....

but one of the most powerful things was this: at the beginning, she schooled us on posture... align your back and pelvis, put your shoulders back, chin up... it's a very assertive stance.... and she says, "this is how you should stand for life..." and a bell went off in my head....

Day 33

so, i went to this new women's art group event being held bi-monthly in East Harlem earlier this evening... and we had an interesting discussion about women's perceptions of other women... initially, when they proposed this topic via e-mail "perceptions of women," it's funny that i didn't even think about women's perceptions... my mind seized on the obvious... men's perceptions of women and the repercussions... perhaps, BWW is still a little too present in my mind...

so, this turned a whole another corner on something i don't normally think about... i'm aware of my thought process about other women... how it's connected to whatever i feel i lack at that moment... but i've also noticed as i'm more loving and accepting of myself, the less judgmental i am about other women... i remember years ago, there was this girl in DC i hated for no reason... and i am clear i hated any women that seemed too free, w/out the harness or baggage i felt constrained by... and now i see how much that has changed... i see girls/women and i applaud their swagger, their boldness... the things i would have hated before because they reminded me so much of what i lacked, i know nod too... as if to say, lead the way, sister... show us how its done... and there's the other thing... in acknowledging the it, i know now that there is no IT... there's many manifestations, and i look to them to show me the possibilities... and i see all as one big parade... but i do admit that's on good days... other days, i come down with bad cases of comparisonitus... and sitting in that cafe today let know it's not just me... i think i never realized that other women obsess about that too... i just thought it was a byproduct of years of low self-esteem.... that most women grew out of it after high school or college... but unlike some of the other women, i don't look and am not sure i've ever looked at other women as a threat... that's not because i'm particularly evolved... but more so, because i always played the background, the less than.... and so i think to some degree i always started from a position that they were more, and i was less... so, no threat necessary at that point... you've already conceded the game...

i look at other women and i wonder about their lives--who they go home to and what kind of lives they've created for themselves... what kind of dreams they have and if they've managed to make them happen... i look at women and i see people... i look at men and see acquisitions... the mate possibility scan begins... categorized, filed, or ignored based on pre-programmed criteria (parameters)

Day 29/2?

it all feels so far... some days, i feel good... like i have the capacity to change things... shift inertia.... and other days, it all feels the same... like it's no different and it won't be any different until some force outside of me wills it so... i try not to give in to hopeless days... where i avoid writing like the plague... and all i feel in me is silence or want or lack... which should be plenty to write about, but it all kind of just freezes it up... no maybe now the practice is to just unthaw... unthaw...

Day 25/2

still up late.... will do better tomorrow...

want to increase the play around my work... stop making it so big... and just create... and edit, and tweak... let's see what happens when ___________... i feel like that should be the approach... i keep looking for outlets, but maybe that's not the way... perhaps, i keep making it external... and instead of moving first, and trusting that the universe has my back... or maybe i wait too long to be sure... instead of just experimenting with things... that was always the good thing about school, was that it forced you to experiment, try new things, new forms...

Day 24/2

trying to put good practices in place... i'm up too late right now, so i'm on my way to bed... but i woke up this morning... had a hard time getting up, but i did meditate for 10 minutes... so, want to work on incorporating...

highlight of the day: got a call from a lady w/ one of the film festivals, saying the film has been chosen to screen in London, if i'm down... that made my day...

i haven't broached the wall of fear just yet... the cacophony scares me.... the sheer number of people writing in the world scares me... i'm not sure why... will ask tonight

Day 23/2

i'm in the middle of an open convo right now, but i need to document part 1...

*radical self-care... need guidelines for everyday practice... need to take care of myself the way i would someone else/for someone else... think about it, map it out...

*asking the universe direct questions.... i asked the universe why i was alone... the first thing that came up is that if i was given the -ex fully, i would've been sucked in, completely lost myself... (that's possible)... but in the moment, i balked... i responded that i'd always been alone and i wasn't buying that i needed more of that... if there was one thing i know/knew how to do, it was that... but the response i got.... was but look how you've done it... like it was a sentence, like jail time... always wanting to be this or that.... you've never really got it... even after keepers... you understood yes, he was the match, not the flame... he was just a catalyst... but what did you do once he was gone? you threw it all out, you crawled into a hole... you forgot about the love... you again made him the center of the universe... w/out him, no access to that which you helped create.... what of that? how can you tell me you've done... you're ready for something new, when i've yet to see you do it well... i've yet to see you live it fully...

Day 22/2

Supposed to go to a b-day party... but couldn't make it out of the house... just felt low all day.... and even still now....

Day 21/2

two good social days, but i keep fightin with this stream of doubt... went to the event last night... which was cool... today, spent the day w/ a friend... who when i'm with, the universe keeps showing me something... i'm not sure what... when i'm with this particular friend we have more social interactions on the street and with everybody we encounter... and i think this is her normal energy that draws it... but what's interesting is that when we meet people, most naturally gravitate toward her.... which i realize makes me feel a bit invisible, a bit jealous, and a bit inadequate... like i don't how much of it is personality or energy... i'm sure a bit both... and i used to think it was the discussions of her circle, her friends, the energy of her life that unnerved me and made me feel bad.... but its not just that...

so, i want to meditate on ask what i'm supposed to see here....

all i know is that i'm tired of feeling bad about myself.... tired of feeling invisible or inadequate.... i just want to accept and love myself as i am.... stop dissecting everything and look to the good... so many people don't have what you have.... what's it going to take to help you make that shift?

....

Day 18/2

wrote a little yesterday.... and a tiny bit today.... today's intention was being open and receiving... and my thought was how can i listen and let the universe tell me what the next step should be... so far, the question has been more learning, more school... like early this morning, i got a call from some guy at an online school... (now they've been pestering me for months, ever since i made the mistake of giving them my contact info).... got an e-mail from the same, and when i got home, a brochure from the New School... i'm not sure if that's sign to take more classes and focus... but that was what i saw today... may do a bit of journaling before bed... i feel so tired though and i'm not sure why... trying not to fight it...

Day 16/2

slightly disappointed in myself... want to get back into the habit of writing daily... and avoided it both today and yesterday... and maybe you need to for a couple of days after the whole thing on saturday... or maybe not...

the jury is still out on whether i'm applying for TAL, but ordered their little book and was listening to them again today... and i have to admit i find them inspiring.... but i can't tell like if that's fan love or i-need-to-work-here love... maybe they're one in the same... i know i have to prolong the impatience to get it all down.... and i'm not sure why it's so hard to know what i really want... i feel like that should be the most simple thing in the world...

what do you want? to love to share to inspire.... to be inspired... to be heady w/ that sense of delight when you found something really good and really great... be a it a passage you have to reread, and keep the line w/ you all day... a song that you love on first listen and have to play over and over and over again until you wear it out... that feeling that connects you to another person that's all warm and heartfelt, and the universe/sky making you feel high... want to experience deep connection with other people, know true intimacy, a sense of which i feel i've only glimpsed.... to know love really and truly... to give of myself in way i'm not sure i've ever allowed... to be unafraid.... to be bold, to be visible, to be myself... to do what god put me here to do... and sometimes i think thats touch people w/ words, but i don't really know... i used to feel sure, but i'm not really sure of anything these days... want to know the fullness of my potential... like really put myself out there for once...

was there an insight today? not today specifically, i just been thinking i want to choose a couple of targets and really go for them... i don't want to shy away from choosing anymore or from hard work of getting there... choose 3 places that inspire me... 3 pubs, 3 places of employment, and not sure what the last 3 should be...

i also keep thinking... you are the one you've been waiting for... you want a kickass, community of women artists... begin it! ning it!

Day 15/2

Sundays are always opportunities to start over... so, let's begin again...

i give up needing to be apart of their club... i give up needing to be sure... and that goes for social, professional, etc... i give up needing to be invited, needing to be wanted, needing to be validated... i give up needing HIM to acknowledge my presence... i give up needing them to like my work... i give up needing anything outside myself....

i write that not knowing whether its true... but i feel like its worth something... like i keep stressing this job move... scanning for ops and not having a clue what direction to go in... don't have enough experience for this or that... and there's a bit of hopeless kind of feeling in this... same as true is for the social... but i want to give up waiting for things to change... i want to give up on opting out and accepting the beauty of what is... even when it's not easy to see it...

i know i felt better when i was working on things... and maybe that's all i need to shift back.... let's spend the next 7 days taking excellent care of ourselves.... following our intuition, being silent, and getting in touch w/ our heart's desires, and being as gentle with ourselves as possible...

treat yourself like the very treasure you are...

Day 14/2

yesterday, i was all prepared to write a post about how i felt i turned a corner... i felt solid & grounded... and felt like i had this self social shit sort of worked out... not all the way, but a good solid 75% percent up from the lonely 0%.... but then today, i regressed... and i'm not sure if its what shakti gawain says is the balance between spirit and form... or just that the weekends are hard, and that i need to nail down safety nets and other supporting structures

like i went to this reading for a lit mag i want to be involved in... and then i remember why i hate those things... they always feel like clubs... and clubs are fine at times... but these always take me back to grade school... cool kids over here.... and those of outside desperately wanting to be invited to special table.... je-sus.... got there, had a couple awkward conversations w/ folks i knew from school... and i immediately wanted to leave... i sat through it... and it was ok... and bolted immediately after...

got home, went to co-worker's thing and it was ok... but it mirrored more quasi-ok awkwardness... and by the time, i left... i walked home feeling like i'm back where i was last weekend... like this feeling of futility and isolation...

Day 12/2

today's thought.... was focus....

i went to BDC's New Media Convergence panel and it was good... good discussion and food for thought... what it left me with (the discussion and post-conversations) was this idea of focus... and to be fair, that's been floating in my mind since reading the first third of seth godin's the dip... like i'm starting to feel like if i would just focus on one area for an extended amount of time, i could make real inroads... and that my slow growth is due to that, lack of focus in a particular area... the other thought has been wanting to get really clear about what's really the dream, the goal...

like if you knew there wasn't anything you couldn't do, and nothing you needed to prove.... and that you felt whole enough within yourself to not need accolades or critical claim as validation or proof of your own self-worth, and if you felt content with your own life and personal relationships as they exist right now, and felt like you didn't need this other notch on the belt to attract the friends and partnerships you want, as entry into this world you put up so high... if you gave ALL that up, what's left? what could you be?

i could let the work be the work, a not a reflection of me... i could show the work to people and not hide things so... i could show up for criticism, and maybe even utilize it to get better (instead of shutting down) i could follow my intuition about what projects, or when, or how... i could be led, i could be open, i could share more freely...

Day 11/2

haven't had any new thoughts on job reality... next move.... like the only thing i know is to start asking myself questions, figure out what i really want, and go about creating an opportunity for myself there... part of me thinks begin now... like you want to shoot pictures w/ matching audio, get a recorder and begin asking questions...

the thought today goes back more to the 9/2 post... like i've been feeling a lot calmer about relationships and community stuffy... and today's thought was... you believe the hype... like if everything's a reflection... and everything starts w/ how you think about yourself... truth is you believe all that other stuff is better, more worthy of attention or affection than you... you comparison shop all the time and in your estimate, you always place yourself low on the totem pole... so, part of the next couple of days is trying to rid myself of that comparison mentality

Day 10/2

crazy day... at the job, they laid off 10-11 people... i've been laid off before, so its strange to be on the other side of the fence... as i had been thinking how to get to leave beforehand, i feels strange to be spared...

Day 9/9

A friend of mine is in a quite the dramatic relationship... and the last couple of times we've hung out, he gotten into a fight w/ her over the phone... he's always put out by her insecurity, her neediness... today, i could hear her on the phone... "where are yoooooou?" and i thought damn, i used to be that girl... shit, may still be, really... the jury is still out and that's stuff you don't really know until you're tested.... but it definitely got me thinking... just like my brother's relationship w/ his wife, and other relationships of friends, and whatnot... what kind of partner do i want to be?

and i think how so much of the wanting of a relationship is about the part about the image or ideal (the romantic Hollywood shit), but the other part is that need to be validated.... that someone wants us, desires us, see us as worthy... and when i think of my friend and his fights with his girlfriend, i'm reminded of how different men and women's expectations are... like as a woman, i'm socialized to be a people-pleaser, to seek others approval and fulfill their needs, and deems those things more important than my own wants and desires... but men aren't raised that way... they're taught to take care of themselves first, all else is secondary... so, it's like she (friend's girlfriend, my high school friend E, or even myself) expects a man to respond to her want or desire the way she would... but he's going to take care of his needs/commitments first, and then figure out where she fits in... we never question that our way is ridiculous... that if we honored ourselves better, we wouldn't have to resent them when they put themselves first... cause we'd know how to do the same... and if we were doing the same, we wouldn't look to them to fulfill us, cause we'd already be taking care of that... we'd just be sharing with them the fruits of our fulfilling deeds...

i feel like that opens us something... and then to take it further, inspired by bellavie's post, who i would be if i didn't feel like i needed a man in my life to validate my worth... i could stop feeling bad about not having one... i could stop scanning for compatible partners.... i could stop feeling the need to prove i'm special or attractive or smart... i could stop waiting to be chosen.... i could very well find myself! i could enjoy men as human beings... and not as something i need to acquire before it gets "too late"... i could let go of R...

the same question goes for career... who could you be if you weren't looking toward a career or external validation (critical acclaim for a book or film) as a means of self-worth? i could do things for the love, without calculating where i think it may land me... i could lose the need to be competitve... shit, i could admit that i'm a bit competitive...

sleepy, will continue this thought tomorrow....

Day 8/2

it's so hot, so i'll make this post short... i think the intention for the week is to get in the flow.... no need to scramble to be this or that, to be noticed, or recognized... let's just really be present, really be ourselves, and trust what we have to offer, and be open... that's it... no stress... we fill our own cup... and ask the universe questions regarding what's showing up now...

let's be thankful for where we are right now... healthy, in a safe, clean place to sleep, rest, and refuge... you are loved... you are of sane mind and healthy body.... ice cream is the fridge! and things are taken care of! you have a job... the rent is paid.... be grateful...

Day 6/2

Strange day... yesterday was interesting... i was stalling on my way to a thing last night, and i stopped in this church... the doors were open and people were just sitting quietly... when i got to the doorway, i heard drumming.... which struck me kind of strange for a catholic church... so, i sat down in the back... and the woman started singing and she had this beautiful voice... and she sang to the drums, and then moved over and sang to this harp instrument, did another song on guitar, and another on piano... and the place just felt very meditative and peaceful...

at the event, me & some co-workers had our fortunes told... and hard to say, whether i put any stock in it... but she bascially said... like you're feeling this heaviness now.... don't run from it, it may have something to teach/tell you... you looking for a change, don't be afraid to take a risk, luck is on your side...

didn't have any clear intentions today... so, no real clear revelations... but i do want to actively start experimenting more with the law of attraction and listening to my intuition...

i spent most of the evening looking for jobs... saw a few interesting things i'm not qualified for... so, wondering what i need to do.... what do i need to create to bring about an opportunity i'm excited about...

Day 4/2

began the day w/ a little shakti gawain... worked on the site & copy-edited a draft of the book, all the but the academic essay... so, i'm marking a day for that this weekend! on Friday, i think just make the edits you noted, and next Friday, you can work on putting the image placeholders in, you think? hm... well, i would try to work on the images tomorrow, but i think i may need to go to the lab tomorrow... i need to have some type for portfolio for monday's class... and i think the only way i'll have that is to go to the lab.... so, i should be reading that photo book now, but i think i'm on the way to bed...

i haven't set any clear intentions over the last couple of days, except maybe things to work on... and i feel like i've been moving and been pretty productive on those things... i still haven't put in any more work on the NYS site and set up a meeting with GGE, but i will soon... i need to figure out a day for that... maybe go in late one morning, and meet them at 10 or so, and get to work by noon.... something so, that the NYS work can begin via collaboration...

need to create a schedule for the book project...

overall feeling: still sort of fragile, honestly... so, will continue trying to really work with self-care and really lean into my intuition about what's going on...

Day 3/2

strange day... productive... sent a piece out to The Sun and did the video stuff i needed to do at work... so, i'm getting closer to getting the videos up online...

was fine 'til i left the office... walked to Union Sq., saw HIM across 14th St., started to walk toward him to say hello... and i realize who he's with... i turn to the corner, and hope he doesn't see me as their crossing the street... i walked for a while, but couldn't shake the feeling... came home and settled into a 2 hr crying bout... not just about him, but all this other STUFF i'm trying to reconcile...

by the end, i realized i've been holding onto some anger, and that one of the reasons i'm so attached is because of what he represents... and how that differs from my idea/perspective of other men in my past.... basically, it's a worth issue...

other thoughts i had: this one image particularly got to me... i saw a circle of older women surrounding me... toni cade, toni morrison, alice, lorraine... and toni has her hand on my shoulder, and she tells me i have a calling, and a responsibility not to hide... i remember crying harder at this point...

and came from all of it w/ these 3 points: i embrace my light, i accept my good, and i know that i am worthy of all the great things the universe has in store for me... i'm still trying to reconcile this question of worthiness with my upbringing of Christian dogma... but that's another hill to climb...

Day 2/2

i took the day off! i realize i have to get over that idea that things at the office will fall apart if i'm not there.... they won't! none of us are indispensable. be thankful for that...

i feel good and productive... worked on the blog/site... had a couple of ideas about how i want to approach images for the book, and so that means to make some more time for shooting.... but i still want that to be more purposeful, not just walking around with the camera, at least until i get a lighter one for that... so, want to get the videos on the site, so we can go live! (which for me, is just really letting people know the site exists)... did a little work on getting CBL camera ready, but still not quite done...

also on the agenda for this week: getting the last version of BWW digital, and the must: preparing a portfolio for next week's new ICP class... think i'll need about 2 days in the lab for that...

important to remember: breathe! i feel myself getting a little overwhelmed with the projects i'm pursuing and i'm not sure why.... there's no external deadline, it's just me... so, i just want to calm down, no scrambling, make it easy on myself to do what needs to be done, and bring about things in an easy, relaxed manner... no struggle is necessary, here... [or maybe, anywhere] remember to see as already done... [the book is already done and its beautiful!!]

July 4th is book day... i think that's all i'm going to work on that day...

and goals: still clarifying, but here's the rough sketch
1) to successfully publish my book
2) to build/join a lively community of friends and fellow artists
3) to have a healthy, romantic relationship
4) to find & get a job i love, that's enjoyable, meaningful, and financially prosperous

that being said...
part of the actions i want to commit to over the next 100 days are great shifts in thinking & feeling... #1, i am the one am i waiting for... ie. no waiting or sad feeling about lack of people... #2, giving myself what i need and trusting that i'm fully capable of doing so, #3, trusting the Universe enough to lean on when i don't know to do... - giving up that i have to know or solve it or fix it...

what kind of life do you REALLY want? what's bliss to you? beyond the man and the popular fantasy... for real? in reading alice walker, i feel like there are all these other layers of life we're not accessing... and i've been blinded by this cookie cutter recipe of the happy life and upset about the wrong thing... what i need is greater connection to myself, to my spirit, to my work on this earth, and of course, people... but it's not about the people, it's not about people in the way you've been thinking about it... be willing to see it larger... like people far and near, past and present... who do you work for? who do you write/create for? why, easy, mute girls everywhere... mute girls everywhere...

Starting over & recommitting... Day 1/Season 2 remix

so, today marks Day 1 for the Season 5 folks... and i'm going to fall in line with that and give myself permission to begin again...

the last couple of weeks, i found myself in the midst of a nagging depression... hit an interesting bottom and think i'm ready to see my way clear... i feel a little more myself, with a renewed ability to focus... and that's a real beginning, seeing as where i was last week...

practices for the next 100 days:
1. radical self-care - at least 10-15 min in the morning, and at least 10-15 min at night to check-in, meditate, affirmations, set intentions, read inspiration literature
2. embrace change - do 1 thing different, take risks
3. speak up - don't agree to things you don't want, and don't agree just to please other folk... say what u mean, mean what u say from the diaphragm... no mumbling or stuttering
4. exercise! not sure of the how, but ok
5. journalling, blogging

i'll clarify the goals tomorrow... with quantitative actions

Day 3/2

much of the same.... went to the lab to print... should be writing now, but i may do a cursory 10 minutes and go to bed...

i feel like some part of me is caving inward... like the island i move and move through... not even sure how to make it be something other than the island it feels like...

and part of me starts thinking old school shit... like closed mouths don't get fed, but that just creates more scrambling... like oh, i have to make real effort to be something else... but don't i have to be something else, to have this other thing... see... don't feel like that's the right track either...

so, i think i'll read shakti gawain and try to figure out intention...

Day 2/2

still feel like i'm not quite in the intentional vibe.... may watch The Secret tonight... felt kind of off today... like some part of me has slipped down back into scrambling mode... like that whole panting, desperate energy in search of some ego validation.... like oh, if i publish this book, then i'll feel this... or if i had a film in that, then i'd feel this... or if i was writing for that publication,etc... and it's nothing but a trap.... so i feel like let's just worry about filling the well... not trying to be anything, not being concerned with how WE THINK the world sees us...

saw this great opp on WGBH due in two days... and don't know about that.... but no scrambling... i'll put out a simple intention and be open to what comes... if an idea comes, i'll apply with what i got and if not, then not... there will be others....

i feel this urge to put together some great plan... but i fear it's me scrambling again... and i replace that with a sharing energy, a gift mentality... just a simple wish to share... nothing more... i don't need anyone's approval... i don't need anything to think i'm special or great, or smart, or talented... there's nothing i need that i don't already have...

try to live in this place of contentment, instead of always finding fault... and i think that's the dangerous thing... i tend to spend a lot of time finding fault with myself... comparisonitus is one way... shrinking another way... i wonder if exercise will make me more grounded, more able to live in my body....

Day 1

i started the radical self-care by getting up and reading a little Marianne Williamson... before trying to meditate, i drifted off... got up, put on a dress i had been wanting to wear for 3 months and went to work...

got home, worked a little on the website, wrote a little, finished up a roll...

today's intention was about comparisonitus, but not sure i fared too well there... so, just want to spend the next 30 days getting my mojo back, feeling a nice shift in trust & natural confidence within myself, and getting in a good vibration that will help facilitate some change

starting over

i feel like for the 1st 3rd of this challenge (at least, maybe longer) has to be about the radical self-care i've been talkin about... i feel like a few of the areas that need the most attention will be furthered the most by this...

i've been working on my website and spent time in the darkroom, but i haven't been writing... and all it takes is a couple of days of not doing it for the resistance to build up and make it hard to go back...

haven't forgotten liz's advice to me... about starting an online community... but it all seems so scattered... pockets here and there... and have no idea of a driving synthesis that's built upon something less selfish.... and still have no idea how to get in print... and whether to version up with a few more pieces and photographs...

what's self care for tomorrow mean? it means going to bed now! it means sending out The Sun piece this week.... what else?

Day 2 - Season 2

So, I've been dancing a little around these goals... but i have a quasi-list i'll map out here w/ freedom to change...

1. successfully publish my book project
2. create an alternative career scenario to the 9 to 5
3. create a practice of radical self care - eating better, exercise, dressing better, trusting myself, and cultivating a deeper relationship with God
4. write everyday
5. create a community of like-minded folks
6. have a romantic, committed relationship

Day 1 - Season 2

Initially, I wasn't sure about a Season 2, but I didn't want to miss out on creating more healthy habits and pointed reflection... so, here we go...

Still clarifying the goals... will report tomorrow with my list!

Day 101

hm... day 9 of the MC... i feel bad that the end of my wonderful 100 days is being kind of eclipsed by the MC detox... yesterday, i went to the waterfront to shoot... but the festival was kind of disappointing, so i left... didn't finish my roll... and overall, i just felt bad... like this sense of displacement... like i was just generally and emotionally lost... and everything i tried to get back to a feeling of well-being was not working... writing, journaling, meditation, even contacting a friend (which i knew was a bad idea)... so, all my feeling of indecision is then compounded with the icky relationship feelings... we talked this morning and are back in a familiar place, but not sure if that's a good place for me, necessarily...

ok, but overall, i'm very happy that i did the 100 day challenge... i felt like it helped me make a bunch of changes and stopped from checking out of my life... i knew there were things i was unhappy about, but when you hide behind work & suffocate yourself with television, it's easier to ignore those things...

in revisiting my intentions: i didn't necessarily attract the relationship or community, but i did have enjoyable experiences that opened doors... for career stuff, i did reap some benefits of things i had begun last year, attracted a position i wanted, but had to turn it down, and started writing again after a substantial hiatus... also, i significantly cut-down on my tv watching... only watching on the weekends and only for short periods of time... i started shooting again... and brainstrorming ways to create a work situation i can enjoy... i fasted for 9 days and counting, cleaned out old papers, and organized my files... and basically, made room for some new energy...

that's a lot to be proud of, i think! there are some regressions, but i think the good far outweighs the bad... and i'm thinking seriously about Season 2, as most of the 100 day challengers have begun...

i do wonder if i tried to take on too many things with it though... sandwiching my 100 day challenge, with the ICP roll a day, the detox, and a few other assignments i got from listening to hay house radio... should season 2 be about simplifying... create 3 goals, and a concentrate on one at time, for proceeding month... that's a thought...

Day 99

also Day 7 of the MC... had a bad headache from 4 to 10/11... it's finally subsided... i broke down and took an aspirin a couple of hours ago...

i feel ok... will spend this weekend, entering the work, turning to the quiet for clarity and inspiration... and move toward clearing the mirror and figuring out that vision, but in an easy and relaxed manner.... not in the ways, i've done it in the past... with the icky urgency... and the "i got to get my ish together" rants.... with the fasting and the quiet, just an easy drop down into flow somehow... a call on the muse and/other divine inspiration... etc...

i think there's been something else kind of nagging me... some old relationship stuff that's hanging over my head... and maybe that's part of the detox as well... maybe your spirit is trying to cleanse itself of that, now that you've finally created a space, with the clearing of body and home to really allow that in.... no wonder you feel kinda crappy... so, i'll work on being gentle with myself over the next couple of days... to usher in the healing of the last few days of the fast.... and maybe the discomfort of the past couple of days means you're getting close to something... you know, how that happens sometimes, that just as things are beginning to break through, the person quits because things got more difficult, right before they were about to get a real benefit of some sort... maybe that's where you are...

Day 97

and Day 5 of the MC.... feel good mostly... though, i think i'm starting to have hunger pangs... just this weird feeling in my stomach that's not painful, but a bit uncomfortable... will gauge how i feel tomorrow...

writing was good yesterday... caught a flow and was carried by... felt like i was with the Muse... today, i started after scanning, which may have been a little too late... i felt really tired and sleepy... so i didn't write as long...

i feel this need to get clear on the vision... like where do i want to go? a couple of years from now, what does my life look like? next year, even... i have this hazy vision... gotta work on clearing the mirror...

Day 95

Crashed a bit... did good on Sunday and most of the day... ending day 3 of the MC as well... went to the street fair, shot a couple rolls of film... by the time i got home, i was irritable... wanted both food and tv... but i wrote for a while... and played around with SoundSlides (cool, but not nearly enough control for me) and looked at shoes...

ok now, not sure what my meltdown was about exactly... i think i felt a bit lost... a little out of sorts on all counts... not sure, if i much more settled now, but will try to meditate on it a bit before going to sleep...

Day 93

The continuation of that for day 92 was really good... i felt good, went out briefly with some co-workers, wandered around at the bookstore and met someone interesting... went to Whole Foods and ran into someone i kinda knew from DC... asked her 'bout making contact to shoot since she's a dancer and i'd love to take photographs of some sistas dancing... she said sure, give me a shout just to hang out even...

Was excited from class, since she gave all these readings and i look forward to digging in... i shot a roll both yesterday and today and started the Master Cleanser... so, i'm on day one of that...

so, i feel good about that idea - giving yourself what you need and leaving space for the universe to reflect that in the day.... the other thing, i'm working on is not running from my own silence... i write a lot about quiet, but not positively, but when i don't have it, i'm miserable... but when i write about, it's always in a lack, kind of lonely way... and so, now, i'm just enjoying my space, my quiet, my own company... again, i won't pretend i don't feel a little nagging in the back of my mind... but it's just a gnat, and your habit of thinking a certain way waving at you...

cleared some space out and will continue to do that over the course of the 3-day weekend... the other thing is really trying to get clear on the next move, but in an easy way... just kind of feeling around... and looking toward whatever makes me feel interested or excited... so, i saw an interesting post of p/t time job for a brand producer... which was kind of interesting, a job for a mediastorm... that would be amazing... they hire multi-media producer... maybe i should reach out for an informational interview, and see what kind of skills that kind of position requires... part of me thinks produce a couple of good pieces... and the photo work can only help with that...

Day 91

Wow! I'm rounding those 100 days quite quickly... and i'm like wait, slow down....:)

so, yesterday was a bit rough... i had a few days of bad feeling around self, current state of being, etc. listening to Michael Neill at work, i decided to try a little self-care... something woke me at 6:45 this morning... so, got kahlil gibran's the prophet and read a little of it in bed... didn't get up and make a big stir... but read a little, meditated a little, prayed a little... visualized.. and then got up and put on something i liked and headed to work... and within a relatively short period, i felt considerably better than the bad feelings i had woken up with (residuals from last night)....

i'm not denying that i feel some nagging feeling toward the ex, or that i still feel some want for community... but when i set my intention for the day, i intended to show myself love, support, and connection... and i'll continue with those for tomorrow... but the thought i had was stop ignoring the support and community that shows up... right now, if that's just a co-worker or two that you feel a connection with and a couple of folks from class that you feel some ways towards... that's something... be grateful for it...

i also heard today someone describe what "namaste" means... and their definition of it was "i honor the space where the universe resides in you... and when i connect that space in myself and you in yourself, we are one...." i thought that was amazing...

so, intentions: love, support, connection.. and honoring the space where the universe resides in me...

Day 89

Still bounce between high and lows... been listening to Michael Neill and been trying to get closer to figuring out the wow... for the last 11 days of the challenge, I want to focus on being that which i want to receive, being grateful for what i have, and spend more time daily visualizing what i want...

Day 87

fell off the wagon a little bit with the TV watching... not completely, but i did watch some at night over the weekend, mainly Entourage, The-Break-Up (which wasn't very good), and the Last Days of Left-Eye (they tricked me, it was on VH1 Soul:) )...

been organizing papers this weekend, still got a ways to go... but i got rid of 4 bags of old paper and crap... still got a couple of bags to shred... and i want to go through that box of magazines and notebooks that i moved with that's still sitting in the kitchen...

next weekend is memorial day weekend... could go to DC or i could paint my bedroom or the bathroom... the office could use a little color, but i don't think i'll paint it... just hang up some wall art, get some curtains, flowers, etc...

tonight, let's take a few minutes to revisit the intentions... i've been thinking a lot lately about clearing the space... trying to figure out what i really want to create in my life sans ego, sans the "everybody", sans trying to BE something for reasons other than i want it in my heart... and it's a little hard... the other thing, which is part of it, is getting rid of my need for approval from other people... starting from the idea, everything you need, you already have... there's nothing that you need to get from external forces... and trying to set clear, daily intentions too...

Day 84

i'm exhausted... all of a sudden... thinking about all the goals... and wondering if all the old HU folks showing up lately is part of my community manifestation...

my intention today... was to accept what is... and i was thinking about that in relation to a recent run-in w/ a friend... to accept what is, be grateful, and keep it moving...

i think one of the things coming up lately is getting away from the need for approval. to just do what i need to do... do the work....

Day 83

i set a really clear intention, however i don't remember what it was... so now it's hard to look at the day in relation to that.... i think it was about feeling like enough, remembering that all the things external are just that... external, everything is a reflection of how you feel about yourself or whatever... so, it was something about attracting money, community, and like-minded members of the opposite sex or something like that... either way, what i did see was men... and i'm not sure if there was more attention or just me being more aware of the attention... hard to say exactly... but kind of this quiet affirmation of my "flyness" even my t-shirt and converse... despite my own desire to dress more feminine...

also, listening to hayhouse radio the last couple of days... thinking about how to flip this desire for a relationship that's come on really strong in the last couple of days... so, back to thinking about real self-care... how to nurture myself so i don't feel i NEED this or that from others... so, Michael Neil has this idea... he said figure out what you want in partner, and then approach a certain number of days from the standpoint of how do i give this or that quality or need to myself... so, not to keep piling other things on this 100 day challenge, but i do want to add self-care as well...

should that be a concern? in the last third of this challenge... i added photography, a TV fast, and a writing practice... but this one goes right along with that as well...

Day 82

Despite all the good things with the film and SC, i've been feeling a bit off... like confidence etc... so, i'm thinking about how to shift that energy, how to galvanize around my goals, and get clearer about that which i want to create...

i have to admit i feel a little ansty writing w/out a project in mind... i don't feel that same way with photography, partly because my shooting time isn't so concentrated... and i think the thinking of shots is just as interesting as what ends up recorded on film...

yesterday, i was having a bunch of film ideas... which kinda scared me... cause film tends to make me tired, i tend not to want to do too much of it... not for any good reason, other than it requires me to leave the house and talk to people... but that should be a good reason... like, hey it requies me to leave the house and talk to people... isn't that great! but it ends up feeling like cold broccoli... you know it's good for you, but it doesn't feel like something you want to eat... but this is all really bullshit... cause when i'm in the process, in the interview, in the edit... i enjoy it... it's just all the setup prior, the asking and the negotiating... but that's w/ anything...

i'll journal now... return w/ some clarity tomorrow....

Day 80

So strange day...

Had my film screened in a local film festival. It was cool! It looked surprisingly good on the big screen and it was nice to hear people's responses while it played... you know, like laughter or utterances of agreement... like hearing people yell out, "me too..." kind of stuff... and when the Q & A came, which was really short, most of the questions were for me... with one person exclaiming how excellent she thought the film was, how it hit close to home, and thank you for making this... word! and after, this woman even came up to me afterward, and she was in tears about the impact SH had on her... and also said good things about the film... so, all in all, very cool, got me thinking about whether to extend the life of the project, perhaps pursue other festivals and that multi-media project i had been toying with...

the rest of the night, well...

been thinking a lot about loneliness, community, and relationships... still thinking about how to actively create on this level...

Day 78

so, in response to the question i posted last time on the blog... i've decided to try to take TV out of the equation for the rest of the month... and so far, so good... i got a lot more done yesterday... i was kind of amazed actually.... i came home, took a shower, cleaned the kitchen & bathroom, while my images were scanning, made my contact sheets, and wrote for an hour, journalled a little, and still made it to bed by 12:30/1:00 AM... which is pretty usual for me... though i'm thinking of going to bed earlier also... and figuring out how to incorporate some exercise activity as well...

so, i think the first weekend w/ out TV maybe a little hard, but let's see what happens... i think it's a worthwhile experiment and a good timing on the last leg of the 100-day challenge...

so, let's get back to envisioning goals, and having gratitude, and off to bed...

Day 76

Yesterday, I turned it down and I felt ok with it... Spent a lot of today thinking about what I want to focus on and how to create a workable system at home. So, that's kind of exciting. Then, I get home, scan images, make dinner, and it's already almost 1 AM. And I've only done 2 out of the 4 things on my list. So, how do I make this work better?

Thoughts:
Clean house, clear out the clutter. Make a decision on painting and if so, paint already. I got too many things hanging in the indecisive pipeline taking up too much space.

So, i need a put-off-no-longer list and start crossing off things on that list. And I especially need a dedicated time to write every day. Part of me say try the mornings, that ways it's first, and little much will be able to throw it off, but I'm SO not a morning person. But at the EOD, it always get squished between all the things I'm supposed to do. Let's pick a time and try that for a few weeks. And just go trial and error until you find a time that works. I found a helpful book about this and will work on putting it into practice.

Another practice is visioning... like continuously writing out the vision every day until it becomes clearer and clear... like shaking a Polaroid...

Day 74

A bit off the wagon... i haven't been meditating, a little journaling... but i think i'm going to do a little of both tonight... the SC thing has me feeling a bit bummed... i came up with an alt plan, but i don't know what's right... am i not manifesting correctly... is it a question of getting really clear about whether i want this or manifesting accordingly...

but i feel like everything happening you created... i created that i would get it, and i created that i would turn it down... it's hard for me to know what's right, here... i think you have to first get really, really clear on if you want this in your heart of hearts...

Day 71

I was journaling on the way home from class... and a lot of familiar thoughts kept coming up. Like I'm very aware that I need to produce more... be willing to take more risks and give myself permission to fail, but I know need to go about it in a different way than I have in the past. Because usually I feel the fear and the anxiety, I choose a direction, and half-way pursue it... the fear turns to apathy and I get side-tracked... and then I feel bad, because I haven't accomplished anything... Let's be frank... my attempts at self-discipline and goal setting haven't been very fruitful... so, i really want to be intentional about setting up a system that works for me...

what would that look like? feel like? provide you with?
it would look and feel freeing... it would feel gentle, like no guilt trips and bad feelings, insecurity, etc... it would feel like purposeful and pleasurable... it would have a sense of certainty about it... and most importantly, it would result in finished work that would bring us closer to the goals... it would provide me with a system i could lean on, something that felt supportive instead of destructive...

Day 70

Let's gear up for the last month... with some sense of boldness... like let's go hard at creating and getting closer to those things on the list... with a sense of patience and sureness that we've lacked in the past...

same intention: gratitude and clarity... setting a clear direction/image for all those things...

Day 68

Same intention... gratitude... and clear visualization of goals and things to come...

it's weird... how I saw myself turning it down... the SC opp... and I didn't feel like I had clear sign from the universe... I felt I couldn't turn it down, so I didn't... but now I'm wondering if the lack of good feeling was the sign... I don't know for sure... I'll keep asking for guidance...

Let's set forth clear and intentions... and good behind-the-scenes processes for our sake and sanity...

Day 65

Gratitude... same intention for tomorrow... i definitely lost sight of it...

same off-balance feeling and graspy-ness, though a little better with the ICP class... something about it feels intriguing... though i'm intimidated and scared i can't commit to it... i'm aware of how much resistance i've created around the most simple things... like writing and photography... to things that have been so close to me, and feel like in my mind, they should be the most natural things in the world... but i fear them, keep them at arm's length, hide from them... avoid them at all costs... it's definitely time to get down w/ the fear...

what's the fear? that i'm no good... poet and potential... potential ceases to be anymore.... but again i think about how u deny yourself the risk of failing, and failing just means you're that much closer to succeeding... the only way to really fail is never to try... think about X for a second... failed the whole time, but you learned so much in the process...

got the offer from SC, owe the mag people an article though i didn't commit... and i'm unsure what to do... a friend kinda talked me out of it, and now i'm lukewarm, despite the fact that I was so SO excited... not sure what to do... definitely ask for guidance on this one....

Day 64

Hm... work has been a bit long... it has me off balance...

kinda impulse bought a new camera... since now with digital, film cameras are considerably cheaper... you can get a camera that started out at $1200 now for like $200...

let's concentrate on being grateful... being thankful for where we are and what we have in this moment... i feel my energy getting graspy and anxious... let's focus our attention on gratitude....

Day 63

Another late day at the office. I'm really thinking would it be possible to not have to work a 9-5... which is funny, cause I told someone at work that thought... and she looks at me and says, but you don't work a 9-5... true. i work a 9 - whatever...

so, i want to meditate and think about laying the groundwork... like how can I make this happen in 6 months or a year...

got class on thursday and haven't shot a thing...

Day 62

Busy day at work... didn' t even leave the office for lunch, just got home about 20 minutes ago... Days like these I wonder how I'm going to commit to the photo project... but I think it's about making it not a chore, but at the same time, not so high up that it becomes impossible to start... i'm hearing a number of things around me lately about making art artless... in other words, approach it the same way you do any number of other tasks with which you are faced... like blogging or washing the dishes... somedays, they're fun or easy... other days, they feel chore-like... art feels like this too... writing feels like this too... and it's okay... this and article snippets has been the only kind of writing i've been doing lately... i want to start a short, but nothing has come to me just yet...

i'm a little disappointed that I didn't do much of my important tasks today... like buy some film, track down this book for the class, etc. but like don Miguel Ruiz says... you did your best... don't beat yourself up for doing your best... you juggled a million and one things today at the office... tomorrow's another opportunity...

what's your intention for this week?

Day 59-60

So, get clear and the universe responds. Wow!

Last night, I go to an after-work thing, and after a couple of drinks with the co-workers, I leave. I get the idea to go an new spot in Brooklyn I had been hearing about with the intention of finding a space of like minds/energy. I decide I'll just be happy to be in the space, even if I don't actually have any social interaction while there. So, I get there, the place is cool and inviting, the owner welcomes me, and I get into a lengthy convo with the one of the guys working there. They close.

And instead of heading home or to the stand-by location, I decide to check out another spot I had never been to. I went in and took a look around, but wasn't sure what to do really. So, as I'm heading out, I lock eyes with this guy. So, we talk for a long time, about art, and projects, etc. He invites me to stay a while, introduces me to his girlfriend and their friends. Another girl starts pushing me to dance with her, and while I'm trying to politely decline, I can't seem to say no to her. She introduces me to another guy. And the night continues on like that. An hour later, I'm dancing with a group of folks I had never met before like we're all old friends. And we're having random conversations about art and music. The guy from the cafe shows up and we hang also. It was great, and random, and I didn't get home 'til 4AM.

It was like here's the tribe. I felt like I was all of sudden part of the community I had been looking for, and best of all, I didn't have to do anything, I didn't have to be anything other than myself. I just showed up and I was welcomed with open arms.

The next morning, I joined the cafe guy for brunch and we shared a few hours of great, intelligent, over-articulate discussion. But somewhere later on, I started to get sad. And as I was walking through the area after revisiting a bunch of these new friends, I think the old insecurities started to rise. Like this "isn't real..." or something... I don't know, but I came home feeling off, and needy somehow... Like that perhaps, both everything and nothing had really changed... and I'm not sure what to do with that...

Perhaps, I find myself looking for security... like not trusting that I can access that at any time, but more like where are the people that will become fixtures... hm...

Day 58

on my way to bed...

today's thoughts... on the social issue... i started trying to build stronger connections with folks i work with... ie. starting with what you have and nurturing that... i realize now that i can't substitute that for what i'm really looking for.... it's like trying to fit a square peg into a circle... won't happen...

i crave a social network of smart, intellectual artsy folks... people not bored by panel discussions or offended by the word feminist.... jeez... ok, so i recognize i'm speaking out of an annoyance of the evening.... but the root is that i crave this community and i'm not sure how to go about finding...

well, feel the feelings of having it now.... ok... i'll journal from that standpoint...

Day 57

i set up a list with to-dos with the attempt at breaking down bigger goals into smaller tasks... but i haven't done heavy lifting yet.... some of the personal career stuff is going to take more thinking... (and some journaling and meditation)... but i did accomplish crossing off a few things off my to-do list that had been on there FOREVER...

got an assignment from the mag people... but i'm ambivalent... i'm considering doing it, just for the exercise... so, i want to take a crack at it tomorrow, at least in terms of notes and ideas... keeping in mind what suzan lori parks said... instead of waiting on the perfect opportunity, let me see that every opportunity is perfect...

had a strange thought during meditation... thinking about the transracial adoption project as a radio doc instead of video... but the thought then morphed into something else which led to this weird feeling of envy... so, can't tell if the original thought or any part of it was the universe speaking to me or what...

also, think i realized a new goal for my list... i don't think i want a 9 to 5 much longer... like so maybe the goal is to make money from multiple streams of income in a relaxed and easy manner, and have the freedom to dictate my own schedule and let each day be organized around different creative projects and goals...

Day 56

Oh, universe! i don't know if am i on the right track... i went to the 2nd interview with StoryCorps and i have to admit i just felt lukewarm... and i couldn't tell if it was because i'm not sure i did ok, or because i'm not sure i want it anymore... like perhaps it's a distraction from the business of making stories--films, writings, etc... i think their is importance in the preservation but if it detracts from the commitment to my own work and my own dreams... So, i don't know what to do... but i have 3 weeks before i have to decide... so, that's good...

talked to a friend of mine today... and he's warned about my distraction, my tendency to get hung up on the big thing so i don't have to complete the small next step that's in front of me... and it's true... so, i think we have to get really concrete about the goals... and set up daily practices and processes to make reaching those goals easy...

goals and inspired actions...

today, i'll map out a quasi-plan and post it by tomorrow...

Day 55

Today, I read the vision journal I began the 100 days with and it had been a while since I had read it. I realize that perhaps, it suffers from lack of concrete things. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I realize that what I want most is to follow the spark--those things that make me excited and filled with that sense of wonder. I feel like StoryCorp opened up this place in me that I had forgotten, that feeling of excitement about a project or something... and i think that's what's missing from the more recent pursuits... that sense...

so, i'm still on the fence, but i think i may take that photo class... i just need something to get me out of my head and out in the world, something to move me from the trying camp to the doing camp...

this morning, i felt so tired... i felt like i had reached this limit with my mediocrity... like it takes so much energy not to try... it takes so much energy to avoid writing... it takes so much energy to stay down here... when you know you should be soaring... so, let's be about the business of soaring... and follow those things that make you feel that way...

Day 54

Rainy day. Captured how I felt perfectly. I slept 'til 2:00 pm. Stayed in my bathroom, howled in my journal, and watched a couple of movies.

I still feel scattered. I still feel all over the place, but alas it's 2 AM and i should lay down so I can get up for work tomorrow.

Day 53

Went to an ICP workshop... eh, ok... and came into the office to work on mastering a new version of the film, except it's been a bit of a comedy of errors, so it's 12:30 AM and i haven't left yet... i'm so ready to go... and since i'm not actually working on company stuff, can't actually take a car home...

but sitting here in this edit room for the last 6 hours, without so much as phone call from outside or even a inkling of someone to call... i feel pretty icky... like no social anchor here at all... and this is where i have trouble creating... i feel like i've improved a great deal at creating concrete things... and i'm seeing that happen... but in terms of the community and relationship, it's been slow going.. so, maybe i need to concentrate on creating small, stepping stone goals on the way to that larger thing... and that goes for both this thing and the career thing... like picking one attainable thing and creating a quasi-road map on how to get there based on inspired action...

i was listening to this teacher on YouTube and he was talking about karmic blocks... maybe i have a karmic block in this area that needs to be cleared... it's like i think i'm working on it, by focusing on the me parts, the confidence things, etc... but i feel like little movement has happened... so, let's work on getting clear... and creating a clear intention...

Day 52

Woohoo! Created a clear intention and the tax man turned my owed amount to the feds into a refund. I still owe a little to the state, but it's paltry compared to what it could have been.

And.... I got a callback from StoryCorps for the next round of interviews. So, I'm super excited. I went to ICP website to decide on this class and discovered they have an annual members' day. Called up and talked to a really nice woman on the phone, who squeezed me into one of the workshops and gave me some advice on classes to take. So, tomorrow, I'll go down there.

I forgot I owe BIFF a master, so I'm wondering if I can author a new version tomorrow after the ICP workshop.

Today, I had a thought on my creative process, but I'm not sure whether it's true yet. I was thinking about how most of my writing (literary) comes from an image, but when I'm blank, it's a problem of sight, like the words are stilled by the lack of images, the perceived lack of the mundane, and the inability to see something with a fresh eye. So, I was thinking maybe the ICP class really is the way to chart back into vision and creativity, but again, nothing's a panacea. And I need to stop expecting things to "fix" me, but look for things to add. Look for and appreciate small interventions, instead of looking of the lightning bolt moment of clarity.

Many thanks for these blessings and all the ones I didn't get a chance to name here.

Day 51

Had the StoryCorps interview today and it was amazing. I left really excited and inspired about the gig and the opportunity. So, I want to continue to really focus on it and continue visualizing it.

Tomorrow is tax day. So, I'm trying to figure out how to set my intention properly for this.

Keep thinking about baby steps and how I need a creative process. I keep thinking about the classes I want to take (which 2 start next week), but I can't seem to decide. Part of me says don't take any of them, you don't need to spend any money to do x, y, or z... but the other part of me says if i don't, then why haven't i managed to do x, y, or z...

well, here's the question? do you want from these classes? what do you want to leave having?
-the beginnings of work, or direction
-a manageable, clear creative process i can continue
-i want to be inspired
-i want to feel passionate about my work
-i want to feel dedicated to my work
-i want to feel authentic in my work
-i want to want to do the work, and not out of fear, or out of shame, but out of sheer desire, and sheer joy...
-i want to enjoy the process again
-i want to feel mentally stimulated and challenged
-i want to have enough direction or sense of something that even when i don't feel like doing the work, something makes me sit down in the chair anyway...


Right now, I feel a lot of guilt cause I'm not working on anything... I want to be working on something, but I just feel blank... and I'm not sure how to begin again... i thought maybe these classes could help, maybe the ICP may give me a structure to lean on, thought liz's class may give me some ways to structure and help me map out a plan, thought the WS class may help me to connect to the work, and give me some tips on deconstructing a work....

hm, i don't know if you need any help connecting to a work... that may be the one thing you're sure on...

Day 50

I'm turning back the clock a few days, so I can get back on the wagon. I'm not ready to be past 50 days in this challenge just yet.

So, wheels turning. I'm all about planting seeds right now. The film will be in the Brooklyn Arts Council film festival, which reminds me I got get a master to them by next week. Got an interview with StoryCorps tomorrow, and I met with the start-up magazine folks earlier this evening.

Been thinking about taking a class, but I haven't been able to figure out what and with Uncle Sam actually saying I owe him money this year, I'm wondering whether I can afford it right now. I'm really intrigued by this class at ICP, but I'm wondering if I should take a more practical class, like a couple of focused writing classes.

I know that one of the things I have to create these days is a serious creative habit, like normal and scheduled writing practices, and assignments. A list will be helpful here.

Over the course of the first 50 days, I've definitely witnessed my ability to create reality, such as getting out jury duty, get a FedEx out (after the employees have refused to let me in the building), etc. I've had a little trouble with some of the bigger things, but I want to continue journaling and working on any blockages, as well as start actively creating little things, like mini-subgoals on the way to the big goal.

Day ???

I completely fell off the wagon. Got sucked into work and got away from the practices. I did start reading the Attractor Factor and still worked on basic intention/creating my day type of experiments. I have to say even when doing the small things, I was amazed by the power of the mind to create something.

So, I definitely want to re-commit to the challenge and set up a system of checks and balances for myself, where my weekends become mini-retreats, part rejuvenation and part - artist time. I haven't figured it out yet, but let me set the intention and ask for guidance.

I am sad to report I never did here from the start-up Mag, but it's completely ok. Meeting them was the impetus to get that work off my old computer hard drive, which I had been thinking of doing for at least six months. So, that's great! And maybe that's all the universe wanted.

Day 30

Last night, I tried an experiment. I got this idea from a website, I believe it was Steve Atchinson's Change Your Thoughts blog, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I was having a little trouble with the visualizing, so I recorded myself reading my intentions and describing my intended life as if it was fully present and listened to it before I went to bed and before I got up this morning.

And I see two things, first, that the I could sense the resistance I had to some of the things I was putting out, and I still need to journal and look deeper into that resistance.

Also, if there are no coincidences, the universe is fast. I barely left the house this weekend, except to do laundry. After I put my clothes in the washer, I walked across the street to buy some candles for my meditation. While at the little boutique gift shop, there were a couple of sisters trying to sell adspace for their new magazine to the store owner.

When I went to the register to pay for my candles, without even thinking, I asked the sisters if they were starting a magazine. One of them tells me a little about, asks if I'm an artist. I tell her I'm a writer, so if they're in need... So, they let me look over the mag. I later exchange contact info with one of the sisters, who asks me to send her a sample, and tells me about their weekly meetings.

So, wow... again, not sure if anything will come from it, but I will do my part. Stay open and send her the requested sample.

Day 24

Am I counting right?

Today was a good intuition... easy, no second-guessing.

I went to the dentist and the on the way back to the office, I took a detour--a semi-wrong turn and ended up walking down this street called Library Way. It was this block long street, with gold plaques inscribed with great quotes, every few paces. Since I tend to look down a lot, this was not something that would easily be lost on me. :) So, I'm walking and reading, reading and walking, slowing down and by the time I got to the end of the block, just flat out stopping to read. And once I got there, I looked up and lo and behold, in all its majesty, the beauty that is the New York Public Library. It felt good. All the quotes reminded me of why I fell in love with language and how it makes so much sense to write and stop running from it.

Left work late. It was nice, so I decided to take a walk. Went to Union Square, still wasn't ready to get on the train. Decided to walk to West 4th. Decided to take University Place instead of Broadway. I walk a block and I see the number 13. I wonder is that Bar 13, where I think Stacey Ann Chin is reading tonight. Indeed it is. I walk in two minutes before her set begins and it was great! I was inspired and moved!

I'm thankful for such a great day.

Day 23

I did follow inspiration and bought a cheap art set. I spent Friday and Saturday nights painting watercolors in my Moleskine and ripping out encouraging text from newspapers. I journaled and revisited my intentions, which I'm still in the process of doing--ie. writing page long descriptions about the intention itself, what's in the way, and what does it look like, feel like, taste like, etc.

I started working on one of the applications for a new job opportunity, and I got a little stuck. So, I should either journal or meditate around letting go of fear around those opportunities. Meanwhile, on Friday, received another film festival rejection. And I still haven't processed those properly. Like I'm not sure whether to interpret these things as signs about the film itself or intention mirroring back my own fears and thoughts about the projects themselves.

Also, today, was reading Wayne Dyer, and am thinking about two things he said. One, really thinking through the like attracts like. That's not just about seeing and visualizing, but that's it also about being that. Like if you want someone or something that's X, Y, and Z, you must first be X, Y, and Z also. So, that's something to think about.

Also, he talked about shifting from ego-driven sources of energy in order to line yourself up with Source energy. I think that's key. I'm not exactly sure how to go about it, but I feel like that's the necessary step. The haziness around my career goals is directly connected to that, and the urgency I feel "to prove" something. It's all ego and it leads me nowhere. So, I know that's what I want to get away from and take inspired action into a positive direction.

Other thoughts: dance class, printmaking, and knitting. Other ways to spark creativity and fill the well.

Day 20

Wow! Day 20.

The last two days I kinda slid emotionally. I was feeling a bit of anxiety around my writing and my attempts to create a routine for it. So, that's something I still have work to do on. The hang-ups, paralysis, and perfectionist tendencies that surround the work. The thinking that psyches out the doing. So, I'm trying to follow inspiration. And right now, I'm really inspired by cross process photography and moleskine visual journals on Flickr. There's some amazing work on that site and it's really inspiring to see what people are doing, some with pro equipment and others with little digital cameras or Holgas. That's definitely something I wanna do a lot with this summer-master the Holga. I like the idea of taking it everywhere. It's so light, it shouldn't be much of a hindrance.

So, my intention for tomorrow is to follow inspiration, to listen for next steps on the work, with special regard to writing and career goals. I feel like one of the great things to use this 100 days for is to manifest all types of experiments. Like consider it a life makeover, and I like using it as an opportunity to start over in all these other areas.

Other things on the agenda: There are a couple of opps I want to work on applications on this weekend. So, let's put those things in the intention bonnet also.

Day 18

I'm so happy and grateful for all the insights I've received so far and look forward to more of them over the course of this journey.

Day 17

Fell off the wagon a bit. I must re-commit to posting every day, or at least making a best effort. I've been thinking a lot about habits and how I want to commit my days--like what hours are untouchable, what time am I willing to reserve to things I know I need, like mediation or writing daily. I haven't come up with an answer. Perhaps, 'cause I'm scared to commit.

I think these things early. At that moment, I can't wait to get home and put it into practice. By the time, I get home though, I'm tired, hungry, and just want to do something unfocused or non-essential--ie. surf the web or watch tv.

I know, I know. I'll keep working on it.

Start with gratitude. I'm also trying small manifestations as well.

Day 13

Found some interesting things on the web and started reading Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization. Been scribbling visions of an ideal the last couple of days...

Earlier today, i wrote these notes on anxiousness:

Imagine that you're on track... you're not off the mark, there's no scrambling or "making up" you have to do... you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and you have everything you need to continue on this journey, and make it to your destination...

Inspired action... I just keep thinking about how to begin again w/ the work, w/out the graspy anxious feeling that often accompanies it... Like here it is, just process, no product... no short-cuts, no pandering to "get on", no attempts to enter into other people's houses, just simple building... brick by brick, sewing seeds and preparing the harvest...

Also, want to try more experiments with visualization and the law of attraction... I realize I've been a bit apprehensive about asking for small things, but I'm scared they won't come through... and that i'll have to deal with the big things and the fear that's attached there... so, that's something else to work on...

Day 11 & 12

Today, starting to work on visualization and staying in tune with the vision throughout the day.

The other thing I've been thinking about is the poverty mentality. So, tonight I want to journal about old belief systems and clean the slate, so to speak. I had a similar thought in regards to anxiety also. How anxiousness turns to busy-ness looking for an outlet. What's the anxiety masking and what could the anxiety teach you if you stopped running from it?

Day 10

Felt good today. Something about the night before had me feeling like me-more... the me I feel I could be... more sure-footed or something... and carried a little of that around today...

my thoughts are still with inspired action, but i've been trying not to force it... trying not to go back to scurrying habits... say, hands up, i feel good in this renewed sense of purpose and this affirmation of the gift... and i'm open to where it leads me, too...

yet, i must say at the same time, got two rejections from couple of film opportunities... and i have mixed feelings... like does this say something about my project, talent, craft, etc... or is it reflection... that one of the apps, my uncertainty was all over the place... i pretty much told them, don't pick me, i don't feel i deserve to be here... and the other, eh... not sure, when i applied i wasn't sure it was the right fit... but thought maybe i was pigeonholing my project... hard to say... now...

so, that's what i want to focus on tomorrow... inspired action... but at the same time, don't ignore the whispers that come now, no matter how unrelated they seem...

Day 9

Today, I completed my vision board and wrote in my journal.

I definitely feel more clear about purpose, even if I'm not clear on current direction. I wrote a little about my pay-off for staying put/stuck and realized that doing what I'm doing or failing in the attempt, the current feelings would be similar--ie. the same feeling of confusion and/or being lost. So, there's little to be afraid of.

Another thought: I've been thinking about dressing the part. Like imagine this is a play, is this the part you would want to be playing. Dress the part as if. In doing so, I have to examine the old beliefs I had about women who care about fashion since I always placed it opposite whatever I was doing. I always felt like to be smart and progressive was to be anti-fashion. So, even now that I know that's not the case, I do have to admit to that being part of my belief system about clothes. That, and getting away from my mother's bargain mentality.

The next couple of days I want to meditate on inspired action and approaching old goals in new ways.

Days 6, 7, and 8

The last couple of days have been about clarity. I've realized there was a lot of haziness around my career goals, so I've been wanting to dedicate space and time to getting clarity on the subject. So, I called a time-out on my anxiety, go-go-go mentality in order to allow for a much saner, creative process with this.

Today, I went to a conference today that brought up a lot of feelings around this topic. I went to a panel where there was a lot of intelligent conversation around some really interesting ideas. And I felt so inspired, I realized I have to make room for these academic spaces again even though I'm no longer in grad school. I must commit to finding a way to incorporate these spaces back into my life.

And then I went to another panel discussion on a topic I've written a lot about. So, I'm not sure what I should have felt, but I felt a strange tension and general annoyance there. Perhaps, envy and anger about the dissemination of my own work on this topic. Perhaps, some envy at wanting to be a facilitator in this discussion. I'm not sure... I'm still processing it, really.

Tomorrow, I want to complete my vision board, continue to journal and meditate on the clarity questions.

Day 5

Still learning the process... Not sure if I give of attention to my intentions throughout the day... that's something to think about... one note of interest... walter mosley's notes to a writer on your first novel... another nod to the habit of writing... i see it forming...

and i thought this week's horoscope of interest:

In a couple of weeks, it will make sense to aggressively insert your vivid presence into the thick of the action. There will be dizzying opportunities to chase down and intoxicating connections to forge. But it's premature to get riled up about all that yet. For the foreseeable future, Sagittarius, take your inspiration from Franz Kafka, who gave the following advice in his book The Great Wall of China: "You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still, and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."

Day 4 - Don't worry, I got this...

Today's lesson: trust.

I walking up 6th Ave on the way to work and I see a five dollar bill in my path. I slow down, but I don't stop. I just step over it and keep going... And I know why I didn't stop... my first thought wasn't... in this city, someone needs that more than I do... no, that was my third thought. My first thought was... this must be a trick, a practical joke, something other than good fortune or a smile from the universe... and it's true, I always trust that the universe will deliver the big things--shelter, food, employment, etc... but I don't think I ever believed that the universe will deliver our wants as well... Not to mention, that wanting is so complicated anyway... We're taught that we shouldn't have any wants... that it's the unfulfilled wants that make us unhappy and that if we can learn to not want, we would be much more satisfied with our lives...

Another thing: I've realized I have no idea how to ask for anything.... part of it is the wanting thing... which is characterized by a general indecisiveness and lack of commitment toward most things I think I want... (break that down, and I'm sure that's fear somewhere)... add to that the whole self-sufficiency armor thing that's been mine since before I can remember... the badge of not asking anyone for anything turns sour real fast when you realize how the loss of something so basic makes even simple things hard... remember, asking for something requires first a decision [dare say, a commitment to that which you want... ] sounds simple... but if you don't allow yourself to want what you really want and then believe that it's not something you should "ask" for... the simple forming of words, intention, vibration becomes not so simple... but let's make it so...

maybe my mind likes to make everything hard... and perhaps, my soul likes to make everything easy... less worry, more soul... less thinking, more doing... less monkey mind, more heart...

Also, as I was working on my vision board, the easy parts were full of images and clear. But the parts around my career were still just as hazy. So, I'm on the lookout for some clarity exercises I can do around that, but here's something I found yesterday that I thought was interesting. A. Papatya Bucak passes on this advice:

At a conference last summer I heard the poet Edward Hirsch say hardly any writers reach the "roof of their potential" because they don't work hard enough. One of the frustrations of being a creative writer on the tenure track is that you start to think of publication as your goal. It's easy to forget your real goal: artistic integrity, great work, work that deserves to be read today and tomorrow. Your real goal is the "roof of your potential."

Not that I'm a creative writer on the tenure track or anything, but I understand. Either way, you think publication or acclaim is the goal, and it's not. It's little wonder I can never really psyche myself out enough to believe that it is.