Today, starting to work on visualization and staying in tune with the vision throughout the day.
The other thing I've been thinking about is the poverty mentality. So, tonight I want to journal about old belief systems and clean the slate, so to speak. I had a similar thought in regards to anxiety also. How anxiousness turns to busy-ness looking for an outlet. What's the anxiety masking and what could the anxiety teach you if you stopped running from it?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Day 10
Felt good today. Something about the night before had me feeling like me-more... the me I feel I could be... more sure-footed or something... and carried a little of that around today...
my thoughts are still with inspired action, but i've been trying not to force it... trying not to go back to scurrying habits... say, hands up, i feel good in this renewed sense of purpose and this affirmation of the gift... and i'm open to where it leads me, too...
yet, i must say at the same time, got two rejections from couple of film opportunities... and i have mixed feelings... like does this say something about my project, talent, craft, etc... or is it reflection... that one of the apps, my uncertainty was all over the place... i pretty much told them, don't pick me, i don't feel i deserve to be here... and the other, eh... not sure, when i applied i wasn't sure it was the right fit... but thought maybe i was pigeonholing my project... hard to say... now...
so, that's what i want to focus on tomorrow... inspired action... but at the same time, don't ignore the whispers that come now, no matter how unrelated they seem...
my thoughts are still with inspired action, but i've been trying not to force it... trying not to go back to scurrying habits... say, hands up, i feel good in this renewed sense of purpose and this affirmation of the gift... and i'm open to where it leads me, too...
yet, i must say at the same time, got two rejections from couple of film opportunities... and i have mixed feelings... like does this say something about my project, talent, craft, etc... or is it reflection... that one of the apps, my uncertainty was all over the place... i pretty much told them, don't pick me, i don't feel i deserve to be here... and the other, eh... not sure, when i applied i wasn't sure it was the right fit... but thought maybe i was pigeonholing my project... hard to say... now...
so, that's what i want to focus on tomorrow... inspired action... but at the same time, don't ignore the whispers that come now, no matter how unrelated they seem...
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Day 9
Today, I completed my vision board and wrote in my journal.
I definitely feel more clear about purpose, even if I'm not clear on current direction. I wrote a little about my pay-off for staying put/stuck and realized that doing what I'm doing or failing in the attempt, the current feelings would be similar--ie. the same feeling of confusion and/or being lost. So, there's little to be afraid of.
Another thought: I've been thinking about dressing the part. Like imagine this is a play, is this the part you would want to be playing. Dress the part as if. In doing so, I have to examine the old beliefs I had about women who care about fashion since I always placed it opposite whatever I was doing. I always felt like to be smart and progressive was to be anti-fashion. So, even now that I know that's not the case, I do have to admit to that being part of my belief system about clothes. That, and getting away from my mother's bargain mentality.
The next couple of days I want to meditate on inspired action and approaching old goals in new ways.
I definitely feel more clear about purpose, even if I'm not clear on current direction. I wrote a little about my pay-off for staying put/stuck and realized that doing what I'm doing or failing in the attempt, the current feelings would be similar--ie. the same feeling of confusion and/or being lost. So, there's little to be afraid of.
Another thought: I've been thinking about dressing the part. Like imagine this is a play, is this the part you would want to be playing. Dress the part as if. In doing so, I have to examine the old beliefs I had about women who care about fashion since I always placed it opposite whatever I was doing. I always felt like to be smart and progressive was to be anti-fashion. So, even now that I know that's not the case, I do have to admit to that being part of my belief system about clothes. That, and getting away from my mother's bargain mentality.
The next couple of days I want to meditate on inspired action and approaching old goals in new ways.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Days 6, 7, and 8
The last couple of days have been about clarity. I've realized there was a lot of haziness around my career goals, so I've been wanting to dedicate space and time to getting clarity on the subject. So, I called a time-out on my anxiety, go-go-go mentality in order to allow for a much saner, creative process with this.
Today, I went to a conference today that brought up a lot of feelings around this topic. I went to a panel where there was a lot of intelligent conversation around some really interesting ideas. And I felt so inspired, I realized I have to make room for these academic spaces again even though I'm no longer in grad school. I must commit to finding a way to incorporate these spaces back into my life.
And then I went to another panel discussion on a topic I've written a lot about. So, I'm not sure what I should have felt, but I felt a strange tension and general annoyance there. Perhaps, envy and anger about the dissemination of my own work on this topic. Perhaps, some envy at wanting to be a facilitator in this discussion. I'm not sure... I'm still processing it, really.
Tomorrow, I want to complete my vision board, continue to journal and meditate on the clarity questions.
Today, I went to a conference today that brought up a lot of feelings around this topic. I went to a panel where there was a lot of intelligent conversation around some really interesting ideas. And I felt so inspired, I realized I have to make room for these academic spaces again even though I'm no longer in grad school. I must commit to finding a way to incorporate these spaces back into my life.
And then I went to another panel discussion on a topic I've written a lot about. So, I'm not sure what I should have felt, but I felt a strange tension and general annoyance there. Perhaps, envy and anger about the dissemination of my own work on this topic. Perhaps, some envy at wanting to be a facilitator in this discussion. I'm not sure... I'm still processing it, really.
Tomorrow, I want to complete my vision board, continue to journal and meditate on the clarity questions.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Day 5
Still learning the process... Not sure if I give of attention to my intentions throughout the day... that's something to think about... one note of interest... walter mosley's notes to a writer on your first novel... another nod to the habit of writing... i see it forming...
and i thought this week's horoscope of interest:
and i thought this week's horoscope of interest:
In a couple of weeks, it will make sense to aggressively insert your vivid presence into the thick of the action. There will be dizzying opportunities to chase down and intoxicating connections to forge. But it's premature to get riled up about all that yet. For the foreseeable future, Sagittarius, take your inspiration from Franz Kafka, who gave the following advice in his book The Great Wall of China: "You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still, and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Day 4 - Don't worry, I got this...
Today's lesson: trust.
I walking up 6th Ave on the way to work and I see a five dollar bill in my path. I slow down, but I don't stop. I just step over it and keep going... And I know why I didn't stop... my first thought wasn't... in this city, someone needs that more than I do... no, that was my third thought. My first thought was... this must be a trick, a practical joke, something other than good fortune or a smile from the universe... and it's true, I always trust that the universe will deliver the big things--shelter, food, employment, etc... but I don't think I ever believed that the universe will deliver our wants as well... Not to mention, that wanting is so complicated anyway... We're taught that we shouldn't have any wants... that it's the unfulfilled wants that make us unhappy and that if we can learn to not want, we would be much more satisfied with our lives...
Another thing: I've realized I have no idea how to ask for anything.... part of it is the wanting thing... which is characterized by a general indecisiveness and lack of commitment toward most things I think I want... (break that down, and I'm sure that's fear somewhere)... add to that the whole self-sufficiency armor thing that's been mine since before I can remember... the badge of not asking anyone for anything turns sour real fast when you realize how the loss of something so basic makes even simple things hard... remember, asking for something requires first a decision [dare say, a commitment to that which you want... ] sounds simple... but if you don't allow yourself to want what you really want and then believe that it's not something you should "ask" for... the simple forming of words, intention, vibration becomes not so simple... but let's make it so...
maybe my mind likes to make everything hard... and perhaps, my soul likes to make everything easy... less worry, more soul... less thinking, more doing... less monkey mind, more heart...
Also, as I was working on my vision board, the easy parts were full of images and clear. But the parts around my career were still just as hazy. So, I'm on the lookout for some clarity exercises I can do around that, but here's something I found yesterday that I thought was interesting. A. Papatya Bucak passes on this advice:
Not that I'm a creative writer on the tenure track or anything, but I understand. Either way, you think publication or acclaim is the goal, and it's not. It's little wonder I can never really psyche myself out enough to believe that it is.
I walking up 6th Ave on the way to work and I see a five dollar bill in my path. I slow down, but I don't stop. I just step over it and keep going... And I know why I didn't stop... my first thought wasn't... in this city, someone needs that more than I do... no, that was my third thought. My first thought was... this must be a trick, a practical joke, something other than good fortune or a smile from the universe... and it's true, I always trust that the universe will deliver the big things--shelter, food, employment, etc... but I don't think I ever believed that the universe will deliver our wants as well... Not to mention, that wanting is so complicated anyway... We're taught that we shouldn't have any wants... that it's the unfulfilled wants that make us unhappy and that if we can learn to not want, we would be much more satisfied with our lives...
Another thing: I've realized I have no idea how to ask for anything.... part of it is the wanting thing... which is characterized by a general indecisiveness and lack of commitment toward most things I think I want... (break that down, and I'm sure that's fear somewhere)... add to that the whole self-sufficiency armor thing that's been mine since before I can remember... the badge of not asking anyone for anything turns sour real fast when you realize how the loss of something so basic makes even simple things hard... remember, asking for something requires first a decision [dare say, a commitment to that which you want... ] sounds simple... but if you don't allow yourself to want what you really want and then believe that it's not something you should "ask" for... the simple forming of words, intention, vibration becomes not so simple... but let's make it so...
maybe my mind likes to make everything hard... and perhaps, my soul likes to make everything easy... less worry, more soul... less thinking, more doing... less monkey mind, more heart...
Also, as I was working on my vision board, the easy parts were full of images and clear. But the parts around my career were still just as hazy. So, I'm on the lookout for some clarity exercises I can do around that, but here's something I found yesterday that I thought was interesting. A. Papatya Bucak passes on this advice:
At a conference last summer I heard the poet Edward Hirsch say hardly any writers reach the "roof of their potential" because they don't work hard enough. One of the frustrations of being a creative writer on the tenure track is that you start to think of publication as your goal. It's easy to forget your real goal: artistic integrity, great work, work that deserves to be read today and tomorrow. Your real goal is the "roof of your potential."
Not that I'm a creative writer on the tenure track or anything, but I understand. Either way, you think publication or acclaim is the goal, and it's not. It's little wonder I can never really psyche myself out enough to believe that it is.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Day 3
I think I figured out a practice I want to institute on this journey...
I'll journal at night, and use that clarity to set tomorrow's intention... Tonight, I was working through the fear and lack of motivation surrounding my career goals. And I realized that when a goal or a project is just about the goal itself or reaching the next level, so to speak, it's usually not enough to make me follow through.
So, now it's about matching goals and desires with intention, but specifically a larger intention, that's bigger than me, bigger than my ego, and bigger than my need to reach another rung on some arbitrary ladder. It's like I have to change the internal wiring, all that perfectionist over-achieving stuff that made the system and the demands of that system--whether that be grades or some job title--so important that I can dedicate myself to that external, arbitrary stuff to the point of insanity, but can't seem to rally behind my own work long enough to see it through to some place of finality. But of course, that's another part of the sickness of perfectionism. Nothing is ever good enough to see the light of day.
Okay, stop. This is definitely off the "feel good" path The Secret talks about, but I feel like part of starting over is understanding what wasn't working in the first place, so you can direct your intentions to those areas.
Tomorrow's intention:
I am so happy and grateful that I feel so inspired and so clear about the next steps to take in regards to my goals as a writer and new media producer. I feel so inspired about my book project and know exactly what action to take next.
I'll journal at night, and use that clarity to set tomorrow's intention... Tonight, I was working through the fear and lack of motivation surrounding my career goals. And I realized that when a goal or a project is just about the goal itself or reaching the next level, so to speak, it's usually not enough to make me follow through.
So, now it's about matching goals and desires with intention, but specifically a larger intention, that's bigger than me, bigger than my ego, and bigger than my need to reach another rung on some arbitrary ladder. It's like I have to change the internal wiring, all that perfectionist over-achieving stuff that made the system and the demands of that system--whether that be grades or some job title--so important that I can dedicate myself to that external, arbitrary stuff to the point of insanity, but can't seem to rally behind my own work long enough to see it through to some place of finality. But of course, that's another part of the sickness of perfectionism. Nothing is ever good enough to see the light of day.
Okay, stop. This is definitely off the "feel good" path The Secret talks about, but I feel like part of starting over is understanding what wasn't working in the first place, so you can direct your intentions to those areas.
Tomorrow's intention:
I am so happy and grateful that I feel so inspired and so clear about the next steps to take in regards to my goals as a writer and new media producer. I feel so inspired about my book project and know exactly what action to take next.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Day 2 - Anxiety today...
Been reading more of Ask and It is Given and will start incorporating some of the processes. My lack of motivation is what's worrying me. I'm intrigued by this idea of "inspired action," but right now, I have too much anxiety and worry to hear properly.
I think today and tomorrow is about creating a sense of calm and releasing the feelings of worry and anxiety.
I think today and tomorrow is about creating a sense of calm and releasing the feelings of worry and anxiety.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Day 1
My 5 intentions:
1. I am so happy and grateful that I belong to a vibrant community of artist friends, which include groups of writers, filmmakers, painters, etc. and a strong women's circle.
2. I am so happy and grateful that I'm in a romantic, committed relationship with an intelligent, attractive, kind man.
3. I am so happy and grateful that I have achieved financial freedom.
4. I am so happy and grateful that I have published a book that's gained the acclaim of the literary community, sold out of its 1st printing, been picked up by major publisher, and has made me a sought-after writer for magazine pieces, anthologies, and other book projects.
5. I am so happy and grateful that my new media work has opened up a flood of new opportunities with places like PBS, Lower Tenement Museum, Arts Engine, NPR, etc.
Practices to bring intention into being:
1) daily mediation
2) daily intention - to create the day
3) visualizing - using collages and vision boards
4) journaling
5) exercise, yoga?
6) reading
Right now, I'm starting with the collage and basic practices. I'm not yet sure about the daily practices for putting things into action. I was struck by something Bellavie, one of the 100 day challenge video bloggers, said about inspired action. Quoting Ask and It is Given, she said it's not about approaching your goals/dreams in the same (tired) way you've always done. Instead, it's about taking inspired action.
Sometimes, when old feelings of anxiety arise about non-action, I'm thinking it best to go meditate or journal. One area where I need to focus more is on the weekends. I find it a little more difficult because I have such a big window of time to figure out where or what to do. I know that's a crazy contradiction, but it's true. During the week, I'm more focused with my time, because I'm grateful for what sections are actually mine, with so much going toward work and all. And on the weekends, where I feel I should be the most focused since I now have uninterrupted blocks of time to give to whatever I choose, I actually feel less focused and more anxious. So, that's definitely an area to journal about.
1. I am so happy and grateful that I belong to a vibrant community of artist friends, which include groups of writers, filmmakers, painters, etc. and a strong women's circle.
2. I am so happy and grateful that I'm in a romantic, committed relationship with an intelligent, attractive, kind man.
3. I am so happy and grateful that I have achieved financial freedom.
4. I am so happy and grateful that I have published a book that's gained the acclaim of the literary community, sold out of its 1st printing, been picked up by major publisher, and has made me a sought-after writer for magazine pieces, anthologies, and other book projects.
5. I am so happy and grateful that my new media work has opened up a flood of new opportunities with places like PBS, Lower Tenement Museum, Arts Engine, NPR, etc.
Practices to bring intention into being:
1) daily mediation
2) daily intention - to create the day
3) visualizing - using collages and vision boards
4) journaling
5) exercise, yoga?
6) reading
Right now, I'm starting with the collage and basic practices. I'm not yet sure about the daily practices for putting things into action. I was struck by something Bellavie, one of the 100 day challenge video bloggers, said about inspired action. Quoting Ask and It is Given, she said it's not about approaching your goals/dreams in the same (tired) way you've always done. Instead, it's about taking inspired action.
Sometimes, when old feelings of anxiety arise about non-action, I'm thinking it best to go meditate or journal. One area where I need to focus more is on the weekends. I find it a little more difficult because I have such a big window of time to figure out where or what to do. I know that's a crazy contradiction, but it's true. During the week, I'm more focused with my time, because I'm grateful for what sections are actually mine, with so much going toward work and all. And on the weekends, where I feel I should be the most focused since I now have uninterrupted blocks of time to give to whatever I choose, I actually feel less focused and more anxious. So, that's definitely an area to journal about.
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